at the pub

[MarkieB]

It's 11.25pm on a Saturday Night at the local pub.

The car park is full of cars; there's an unmarked police car watching the pub's car park entrance.

A man emerges carrying a shot glass full to the brim of vodka.

He stumbles at the doorway, lifts the glass towards his face, then pours the vodka on himself, not getting a bit of it into his mouth.

He drops the glass from a slack hand. He stumbles across the car park, falling over then crawling along on all fours.

He eventually reaches his car, fumbles for a long while locating his keys, then struggles getting them into the lock. Eventually he unlocks the car, opens the door, virtually falls into the car.

He sits in the car getting his breath back for a while, then puts the keys into the ignition. Eventually he starts the car. The police pounce.

The usual rigmarole "is this your car sir?" — "I should hope so"

"don't get smart with us sir, have you been drinking?" the man smells strongly of vodka

"I haven't had a c*nt all night drinkstable"

"right sir would you step out of the car please" — then he's given the breatho. Sure as it is, as he said, the green LED shows. The police call for a replacement breatho, thinking it must be on the blink.

Meanwhile all the other pub customers have gradually trickled back to their cars, wending their way home.

The replacement breatho turns up, result as before, green LED.

well, say the police to the man, we'll check your fitness to drive. they then administer tests such as closing one eye then touching the nose with the tip of the finger, walking straight, etcetera, the man succeeds admirably as though he were sober.

so the policeman says "what's the meaning of this, haven't you been drinking then?"

The man says "no, tonight I'm the designated decoy"

[BogMonster]

Seen that one before in a slightly different form, it's brilliant

Trouble is most of the policemen I know have no sense of humour so rather than accepting somebody had got the better of them, they'd do you for wasting police time instead...

[bishbosh]

On the same alcohol based topic:

Press Release:

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.

[Les Henson]

I understand they had to beat his liver to death with a stick!

Les.

[Steve King]

Seeing as this seems to be the current joke thread....

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury and greets one.

The patient replies"

“Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o’ the pudding race,

Aboon them o’ you take your place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm.”

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

“ Some hae meat and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"We sleekit, cowerin, timorous beastie,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickerin brattle.”

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks “What kind of facility is this? A mental ward”

“No”, replies the doctor.

“This is the serious Burns unit.”

I'll get me sporran!