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Got bored so have produced a New Landrover Owners Manual


JeffR
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LANDROVER OWNERS GUIDE – THE UNABRIDGED VERSION PART 1Whilst grubbing around under the driver’s seat I found the Owners Manual for my Landrover, a work of fiction worthy of the Booker Prize. Here is my version…..

INTRODUCTION

Congratulations and commiserations on the purchase of the Landrover that is new to you. As you undoubtedly know Landrovers of all ages are a regular feature on roads and tracks both in the UK and abroad. Later models are an even greater feature on the backs of Recovery trucks…..

WHY OWN A LANDROVER ?

There are many reasons for owning a Landrover, below are the top ten

1. They are good family transport – do not forget that you can pressure wash both the inside and the outside, indeed a good long drive in the rain will ensure that the interior of your new vehicle will get a thorough soaking. All that is required to keep the trim in perfect condition is the addition of a none foaming upholstery cleaner and a very good Hoover (Vacuum cleaner for our foreign brethren). No need to fully dry the interior as the myriad of draughts around the door and dash vent seals will ensure that there is adequate ventilation for that very purpose.

2. Safety – remember that the vehicles both in front and behind you on a motorway are your own easily replaceable crumple zones. Be kind, they are there for your protection. As speed kills, we made our vehicles so slow that a snail with a limp can overtake.

3. In the winter, they come into their own. Not only will they teach you basic arctic survival skills, if one lives a long way from a supermarket, they serve as a very good alternative to a refrigerated lorry, brilliant at getting that frozen food home still frozen. You will also find that small children do not incessantly chatter on long winter journeys, hypothermia really shuts them up. Ditto pets.

4. Get that wind in the hair, flies in the teeth feeling of a motorbike in a large practical family SUV. Simply open the dash vents and Rainroof on your Landrover. We were the first post WW2 vehicle manufacturers to have removable pollen filters fitted as standard and they are two stage, your nasal hairs and lungs filter 99% of the air that enters them so breathe deeply and revel in the smell of the exhaust fumes leaking in through the dash vents.

5. Good for the environment. Landrovers are Green with a capital G. Admittedly a lot of the colour is due to the algae that grows on the inside due to the presence of a Rainroof and dodgy door seals… Given the pathetic fuel economy associated with most Landrover products, you make fewer journeys, so use less fuel, and as most long journeys will be finished on the back of a recovery truck, you finish your trip more relaxed than when you started it.

6. Tree Huggers hate them, say no more.

7. SadoMasochism, nuff said about that one then.

8. Owning a Landrover is like being married (without the good bits), you think you are the boss, but thoughts and actions are generally two different things. Remember that your Landrover is not a mindless mechanical object; rather it is a living, sentient female being. It will suffer from pre-, post- and menstrual tension. It will be bad tempered, truculent and prone to severe hissy fits at the drop of a hat. It will break both your heart and empty your bank account, but you bought it so live with it. And the divorce is just as painful….

9. Every journey is an adventure. You really do not know just what the hell is going to break or fall off next. In preparation for your next journey, please make sure that the recovery eyes (fitted front and rear) are in the down position so that the nice recovery truck driver can quickly and easily secure your vehicle to the nice heated/air conditioned flatbed wagon that he is kindly going to take you home in.

10. Landrovers are the ultimate multi-functioning vehicle. They keep the employment figures in the motor spares/recovery/spanner wielding industries at an all time high. They serve as family hacks, storage units and junk removers. The Green lobby loves em as most landrovers are a fully functioning ecosystem. They also bring out the hypocrisy inherent in most eurobox drivers, they hate em in the summer, but think the sun shines out of their exhaust pipes in the winter snow…..

VEHICLE SPECIFICATIONS AND SPARE PARTS

You are now about to clog dance in a minefield, blindfolded, naked and riding an elephant. Therefore, please read this section carefully and commit it to memory.

Specification details set out in this Handbook will vary from what Landrover think is the spec for your vehicle. Remember Landrovers are hand built, individual, vehicles and as such tend to contain a wide selection of parts that magically appeared in the parts bin next to the guy making it. Moreover, with second hand vehicles, some parts are not necessarily from any known Landrover product. Therefore, when ordering spare parts take a rough guess, you might be lucky and get it right first time. I doubt it though.

You can try giving the parts bod a chassis number (assuming you can find the registration documents, and/or have got a couple of hours spare to scrape off the congealed mix of power steering fluid/mud/underseal/stonechip/road film that has accumulated over the preceding days/weeks/months/years since the vehicle left the factory). Nevertheless, just ‘cos Microcat/Rave/the bootlegged parts manual PDF you downloaded from the internet suggests that RTC3456 is the correct part for your vehicle, believe me it probably isn’t.

Depending on the age of the vehicle, you will inevitably meet the phrase “Superseded by….” when talking to parts dealers. Now this is a catchall phrase. Main dealers use it a lot, ‘cos it means you get to buy the sprocket seal that was fitted to the later models. And as such it is normally 5 times as expensive as the original bit that you actually wanted, which is, incidentally probably still available, all be it under a different part number of course. And it won’t fit, but as you have opened the packet you can’t have a refund……

Best take the broken bit with you and match it up visually. That is assuming the bit is in a see through packet… That works most of the time. At some time, a parts man will ask, “what’s the age of the vehicle”, the standard, time honoured reply is was and always will be “which bit are we talking about?, it’s a Landrover for fu*ks sake”

SOURCING SPARE PARTS1.

THE INTERNET

Not necessarily a good thing.

Fleabay, and its like are swamped with spare parts, sadly lots of them come in blue boxes. Blue boxes are bad things. Things that come in blue boxes rarely do what they say on the box. Big things that come in blue boxes do have their uses though. Big heavy things in blue boxes make good anchors; however, they very rarely make good anvils or hammers as they are generally made of lead. Round rubber things in blue boxes are very good at letting all fluids (and some solids!, I sh*t you not) out of places where they are supposed to stay in. Avoid blue boxes. Electrical things in blue boxes tend to let all the electricity out as well, cunningly disguised as smoke whose colour matches the box – clever idea that, matching smoke.

Lots of bits on the internet originate from tea leaves. Not the drinking type either. Remember the LR90 that you had nicked off your drive? Well there is a damn good chance that the axle you buy from Pikey Bill’s Fleabay advert for your replacement LR was originally yours anyway. So next time PC 752 does a routine vehicle check (you know the type- they strip your vehicle down to its constituent parts to check the date stamps on the pedal rubbers), you get nicked for receiving stolen parts that you used to own.

Remember also that Fleabay descriptions do not necessarily refer to the bit you are actually buying. Indeed, Politicians, Lawyers and Estate Agents tell the truth more often than Fleabay sellers do.

There are of course many good sources of legitimate spares on the Internet. Just learn to avoid the ones with a search facility. Their search engines simply cannot cope with…..yup you’ve guessed “Superseded by….”.If you must use such a site simply type in a random collection of letters and numbers, who knows, you might just get lucky and ….well you know the rest (see above).

Trying to get a price for a part off the internet can be a bit like eating soup with a fork. The most commonly encountered phrase is that old gem “Phone for latest price”. Now call me cynical but it suggests to me that the web designer is on commission. When you ring, if they like the sound of your voice, you get a good price, that is assuming you know the correct part number of course and don’t run into “Superseded by….”. If they don’t like your voice then out comes the random number generator and somebody puts carborundum paste in the Vaseline…

Once you have ordered the incorrect part ‘cos it was “Superseded by….” And the work experience kid operating the switchboard (cos the website don’t have prices), who has difficulties with numbers greater than five, has taken payment, there comes the really exciting part DELIVERY.

Of course the bit you need is the bit you really needed yesterday (goes without saying) , so you splash out on 24hr delivery. Now for those of you who are not familiar with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, here is a swift physics lesson. Einstein states that all things are relative, so let us use a time of say 20 seconds. Now a 20 second orgasm appears over in the blink of an eye, but angle grinding your testicles for 20 seconds seems to last a life time!!! Delivery times are the only things in the known universe that do not comply with Einsteins theory. They are from a different dimension. You see the thing they don’t tell you is when that 24 hours begins, could be days weeks years, you see they don’t give a sh*t cos you have already payed……….

2. MAIN DEALERS

Carborundum paste in the Vaseline, “Superseded by….”, “only come in packets of 3000 and I am not allowed to split a packet “ oh and occasionally stuff comes in blue boxes. Do I need to say any more?

3. GENERAL MOTOR FACTORS

Can be worth a try if I am honest. Find a good one and you are on to a winner, just be wary of blue boxes.

4. HALFORDS AND THE LIKE

If you can find a sales assistant who has actually finished going through puberty…Give them a go, it’s ALWAYS good for a laugh. So they won’t have the part you are after, but sh*t lets be honest here I will simply never get bored of seeing the look of sheer blind terror when I ask for 30 amp fused switching relay on the face of a callow youth in Halfords. NEVER. “Is it in a blister pack?” is generally the reply as their hairless bottom top quivers like Jordans bust on a paint mixing table, creases me up every f*ck*n time, every time. Just gotta keep going back, time and time again, ask them for a Swivel Hub rebuild kit and watch em reach for a clean Pampers. Life can be cruel…

5. INDEPENDENT SPECIALIST

Now we are talking. Cool dudes, good prices, most don’t mind you turning up with an oily, bent or severely broken bit and matching it up to a new one in the middle of their nice clean showroom. In fact, as most seem to have “been there, done that” they understand just what “Superseded by….”means. They are Gods amongst us mere mortals.

PART 2 CONTROLS and MAINTENANCE NOTES to follow

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Quality :lol:

Love the bit about Halfords. Went to Halfords once to get a cable to allow me to put a different stereo into my truck. I started the conversation with, "I'm changing the stereo in my Defender and need an adaptor cable to allow me fit it" and the kid helping me said, "Is that a mountain bike?" :rolleyes:

After drying the tears pouring from my eyes due to the hysterics I was in at the thought of someone fitting a car stereo to a mountain bike I apologised to the bemused lad and walked out and haven't been back since.

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Jeff,

You negated to mention the external lubrication system fitted to most Land Rovers where internal fluids are liberally deposited over the outside of their original part allowing for easy removal of outer casing when the internal parts have disintegrated into a pile of metal fragments due to lack of lubrication.

Jason.

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Fridge Freezer, the lLandrover Spider Technical Supplement was issued as a separate technical manual, but was superseded by..., Of course the Spider will be included, I even heard rumuors that it is to be included in all future MOT tests.

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PART 1 of PART 2 - I really have got to get a bloody life you know!

DRIVER CONTROLS and MAINTENANCE TIPS

1.Steering

Situated in front of the driver is a big round thing (or not so big round thing if an aftermarket model is fitted) this is the steering wheel. In theory, steering inputs from the driver are transmitted to the front wheels and they turn accordingly. Well, sometimes. Between the steering wheel and the road wheel are lots of hydraulic and mechanical bits that will do everything they possibly can to negate driver inputs from being fully reproduced at the road wheels.

The first of these bits are the universal joints on the steering column situated in the engine bay. Now given that they are teeny weeny little things, one would think that a little bit of free play wouldn’t be all that bad. WRONG. These buggers were designed by a numpty who didn’t believe that lubrication between moving metal parts was particularly necessary. As a consequence, if you have half a turn lock before your road wheels move, change the buggers. One word of caution, having changed the buggers, when test driving said vehicle please, please, please remember that the odds are that you no longer have half a turn of steering lock free play. Why? ‘cos adrenaline really is brown and smelly. Oh and the road signs on the roundabout on the A69 come off significantly worse when hit by 2 tonne of Landrover, and it upsets plod, the Highways agency and your insurance company. In addition, it buggers up your street cred.

Next in line is the steering box. Now this is a hydraulic system, that is, it runs on hydraulic OIL (not antifreeze or engine oil, no I’m not joking!). Now this is fantastically slippery stuff, very good at what it does, when it is kept in it’s correct place. Let it have its freedom and life gets interesting. It is very good at escaping, but it does tend to prevent the drivers side front chassis from turning to ferrous and ferric oxides. It smells nice too and it is a very pretty colour. This goop is, in theory, kept in place by oil seals (beware the blue box syndrome…). In practice it tends not to stay put for too long, so if it stops dripping off the steering drop arm, put some more in the reservoir, where it will also leak out from the 20p budget Jubilee clip at the base of the reservoir to steering box pipe. Cable ties are not a good replacement for these clips. Neither is a teaspoon of brake fluid a good temporary fix for cattle trucked seals. Short term they swell and stop leaking, long term they turn to black snot and all the oil escapes in one go, most of it seems to end up on the brake discs (for the consequences of this, see the bit about the road signs on the A69), when this occurs, the phrase “Smell it madam? I was sitting in it!” is particularly apt. Then you crash and burn and die.

This leads nicely to the steering drop arm and its ball joint. Well, where do we start? Cheap arms have ball joints made of mercury. Designed by the same person who did the steering column UJ’s, so still no lube. Now when the ball joint gives up the ghost (if it came in a blue box, that will be quicker than you thought, much, much quicker, like shortly after you tighten the nut) the resulting vibes thro the steering wheel are worthy of something sourced from an Anne Summers shop. Oh, and it puts road signs at risk ‘cos you need all 4 lanes of a motorway to go in a straight line. Replacing the said ball is possible with the arm attached to box, helps if one has a good (read very expensive) hydraulic puller, but can be done. Afterwards, you will not only have fixed your truck, but you will also have extended your wife/children/neighbours vocabulary of colourful phrases and words. Much easier to take it off, not. Now to quantify this last statement, it is marginally less difficult to remove the arm and box as a unit, if one is equipped with three arms long enough to make a Gibbon jealous, oh and forearms like the terminators thighs. Universal joints on each finger are also beneficial, mind you when you drop the box and arm on your left hand the universal joints come courtesy of your local friendly orthopaedic surgeon.

Removal of the drop arm, according to the dyslexic/schizophrenic and generally incomprehensible Mr. Haynes is “straightforward”. Well b@llocks to that statement, since when did the Oxford English Dictionary define straightforward as “complete tw*t”?. Easy if one has or can beg steal or borrow the requisite puller. Over the years a number of simpler methods (read cheaper) have been used, all have their pros and cons.

First up is the judicious use of Landrover Tool No.1, the fu@k off big hammer method. Pros : good at relieving tension, reasonably effective and exceptionally good at getting rid of the mud build up under your truck; Cons : keeps the local A&E dept busy, sumps, diff pans and drag links can and do suffer, not to mention bodywork and oil seals.

Second up is the really exciting, lets live dangerously ‘cos I’ve got lots of life insurance method. Loosen big nut (that is loosen, not remove, honest learn this bit off by heart) and drive around for a while till the vibes loosen the drop arm. Pros: can work with minimal damage; Cons: chances are nut will make a very rapid bid for freedom, arm will drop off you will crash and burn and die. Not recommended, rather use Landrover tool No.1.

Finally, the pyromaniac/mass destruction method, this is potentially the most spectacularly fun but expensive method. This involves the use of a gas axe and/or an angle grinder and has no Pros. Cons: probably gonna need a new truck, ‘cos man these things really burn well. Angle grinders are even more fun, the spectacular clouds of white hot metal particles simply love your wiring loom and the numerous oil leaks… And the fumes from fire extinguishers get you stoned and give you the sh*ts, so you don't care that you've just accidently torched your truck!

The final bits of the steering system are the drag control arms/links/sumo/dan bars, call ‘em what you will, to which the steering damper is more or less attached. These get bent and beaten and generally abused, as their designer quite obviously photocopied the design in reverse. I mean, what the hell was he smoking when he had the epiphany that resulted in putting puny little bits of tube that link the wheels together IN FRONT OF THE BLOODY AXLE. Then he had the cheek to fit track rod ends designed by the half-wit who didn’t believe in lubrication…

So having established that the steering system on your Landrover was designed by idiots, probably installed by idiots, it’s a bit of a miracle really that the road wheels turn when you turn the steering wheel. You see children, here is real living proof that God exists. Therefore, Landrovers are truly a divine, in the truest meaning of the word, invention, that’s why you love ‘em.

A note of caution on turning circles. Depending on the width, diameter and profile of you tyres, your Landrover will either have the turning circle of a London Taxi or that of Pluto’s (the former planet) orbit around the Sun. Do not complain to us if it is the latter ‘cos you fitted the bloody tyres.

2. LEVERS, KNOBS, SWITCHES, BUTTONS AND PEDALS

Depending on the age of your Landrover there may be lots of knobs, levers, switches and buttons. Drivers of early Series vehicles and P38 Range Rovers may skip this section as, in the case of the former, there were not any fitted and in the case of the latter there were shed loads fitted, but none of them worked properly anyway.

LEVERS

There are two main levers in your Landrover, unless you have an automatic – if this is the case, you are an idle toad, so learn to use a manual box. The long one allows you to attempt to select the gear of your choice, most of the time. However just because you have selected a given gear, your Landrovers gearbox may disagree with your choice and throw it’s toys out of the pram as it has decided it wishes to remain neutral in the war against inertia/momentum. This will generally occur whilst trying a very steep hill ascent/descent. We added this feature to the gearboxes as we at Landrover now sell a range of Teflon coated underwear as part of our cool clothing range.

The second, shorter lever, allows you (sometimes) to select the range of gear ratios (High range and Low Range). It may also allow you to engage the centre differential lock. A note is needed here for Discovery drivers; the short lever really does have another function other than as a handbag holder, try using it occasionally.

Low Range is very useful in the UK when motorway driving, (NB people who use the M25 on a regular basis would do well to consider fitting a reduction drive to give an even lower low range). Oh and it is quite useful when offroad driving (again, Discovery drivers should take note that offroad driving does not mean parking on the pavement when dropping the offspring off at their place of education).

The Differential lock, is to most Landrover drivers, superfluous, we added this because we like to give people a choice. It does have its uses in real life though. One of the commonest uses is to allow you to turn your four-wheel drive vehicle into a fully functional two-wheel drive vehicle. As we fitted axles with half shafts made out of copper pipe, it is not unusual for an axle to expire big time, again usually on steep hill ascents/descents, hence the addition of a difflock. Have you seen our range of Teflon underwear? We do boxers, y-fronts and for the seriously kinky, g-strings and speedos.

There is a smaller lever fitted by the drivers foot, this is the Parking brake, pull it up to slow down the inevitable creep when parked on hills, and push it down to disengage it. Says what it does on the tin really. Most of the time.

KNOBS and STALKS

This section does not refer to the drivers of Chelsea Tractors who used to buy cans of spray on mud from accessory shops such as Scrapiron.

The main knobs/stalks associated with Landrovers tend to work potentially useful bits of kit. Unfortunately, whilst the knobs are fantastic in both quality and function, the bits of kit they work (again P38 owners can ignore this section) tend to be carp. Sh*t happens.

The most useful and entertaining knobs/stalks are for the Windscreen Wipers and Washers. Pull the stalk up one click for slow and two clicks for fast. However somewhere in the design process, we forgot to tell the wiper motor this rather useful fact so the speed at which they function is entirely random and unpredictable. As a consequence, employing a small child in thermals and waterproofs (also available from our cool clothing collection) to sit on the bonnet with a cloth is infinitely more effective, however as this does not comply with British Use and Construction regulations, it is a Rest of World option, only.

For UK owners we heartily recommend the Landrover Squint, that is one of the reasons our drivers seats do not adjust backwards – it allows the driver to get his head within 5mm of the windscreen during periods of wet weather without straining back and neck muscles.

If you press the end of the wiper stalk inwards, this may activate the washer system. Activation and efficacy of the washer system is entirely arbitrary and subject to strict temperature limitations. Again, Rest of World spec vehicles have a small child to perform this function (see note above with regards to Use and Construction Regs in the UK, and also our range of thermal outerwear available from our clothing collection). The washer jets, situated on the front bulkhead, are a work of pure genius ( should read as too much Guiness). We designed and positioned them in an attempt to achieve absolute zero (that is -273Kelvin, or pretty damn chilly to none scientific owners). We deliberately positioned them so that at any temperature below 0C they instantly freeze solid. This was done purely in the interest of road safety – if its that cold outside you do not wanna be driving.

A none-Landrover approved accessory may rectify this minor problem. The squirty bottle of de-icer, however if one is not blessed with Gibbon like arms, you will only be able to de-ice the bit of screen next to the A-pillar, and with models fitted with a high level air intake you are, well, just buggered, so stay at home.

Below the wiper stalk is the Fog Lamp Warning stalk (commonly referred to as the “lets blind the bas*tard behind me light”). This one is easy, push it down to switch it on and up for off. This light is mostly used during periods when visibility is measured in tens of miles, so please do not, under any circumstances, use it during periods of poor visibility, as it will only confuse other road users.

The stalk opposite the Wiper stalk (on the steering column) is the Direction Indicator Stalk/Horn/Dip Switch and Flasher. In theory, pushing it down causes the left hand side indicators lights to flash, whilst, conversely, pulling it up causes the right hand lights to flash. In theory. Depending on your vehicle specification (and how many competent/incompetent owners or garages have had their grubby little mitts on it), this may not actually be what happens. In reality, activating this stalk may result in any or all of the following happening individually or all at once:

1. the indicators function as per design, unlikely, but not improbable.

2. the side light(s) may flash in unison at the front, whilst at the back the brake lights and running lights may join in the fun.

3. the headlights may also feel left out and join in flashing.

4. any combination or permutation of the above.

5. sweet bugger all happens

Push this stalk towards the floor, and if you are lucky, main beam on the headlights might just come on. Press the end of the stalk inwards and the horn will be sounded. A note about Landrover horns. It may not be possible to hear the horn sounding whilst driving your vehicle as we fitted the quietist one we could find, that is because Landrover Plc do not wish to contribute to sound pollution. This horn works by giving a small, none damaging, electric shock to an ant that lives in metal box on the front grill, this causes the said critter to fart through a small trumpet, we think. Sh*t if you can’t hear a Landrover heading towards in the first place you are as deaf as a post so sounding the horn is a useless exercise anyway... The sound deadening we omitted to fit to your vehicle also helps prevent you hearing the horn above the cacophony of mechanical noise that emanate from your vehicle during normal use.

In addition to the horn, there is another, optional in all demographic markets, audible warning device of impending doom. It comes in a variety of sizes, shapes and colours and is generally fitted in the front passenger seat area. It has various names (she who must be obeyed, the missus, the girlfiend etc), this is probably the loudest warning device you will encounter. It is, generally, during times of fear/stress, louder than an English Electric Lightning on full combat thrust and afterburner. Ignore it at your peril.

Immediately below the Indicator Stalk is the Main lighting Switch (looks like a cross between a stalk and a switch to me, but hey what do I know, I just write this sh*t). This has three positions:

1. nominally off

2. side lights nominally on

3. dip beam nominally on

4. any combination or permutation of the above (including those for the indicator stalk).

5. sweet bugger all happens

As with the preceding paragraph which of these functions actually occurs is entirely random and arbitrary, you takes your chances, man. Whilst on the subject of headlights, we at Landrover cannot stress hard enough that one regularly feeds the Glowworms that reside in your headlights. Failure to do so will result in a minimum of light output and on a dark winter’s night you will crash, burn, and die a horrible death, all because you did not feed the headlamp critters, you have been warned.

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This horn works by giving a small, none damaging, electric shock to an ant that lives in metal box on the front grill, this causes the said critter to fart through a small trumpet, we think.

Lucky I wasn't drinking coffee when I read this otherwise the keyboard would have been wearing it by now! :lol:

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