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Got bored so have produced a New Landrover Owners Manual


JeffR

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  • 3 months later...

... or 'how to change the bulbs' on the rear light cluster on a discovery....

Had to change a stop/tail last weekend on my 300 tdi disco with air con (air con removed but all gubbins still in the load space). Had quick look in the Haynes manuel (ok for small jobs) and it said to remove the dickie seat for 'better access', well obviously I ignored this, removed the cover and got my hand in there only to find I could reach the plastic wing nut affair but due to lack of room could not turn it. Next I removed the trim above, the bit with the speaker in, only to find that although near enough the same level as said wing nut there was other stuff in the way. Re-fixed panel and speaker. Used a set of pipe grips to undo afore mentioned nut, worked due to the offset head, and pried the light cluster itself from the body using the biggest flat head screwdriver in my box. After changing the bulb and putting it all back together which took the best part of two hours, a lot of this time spent laughing at how stupidly difficult what should be an easy, even routine job had been I did begin to wonder if maybe it would have been easier to remove the dickie seat after all ;-).

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SWITCHES AND BUTTONS

Depending on the age and history of your vehicle, you may have lots of switches and buttons, but don’t worry few will work as they should (again this statement is for P38 owners). Most Landrover sourced switches and buttons should have a sell by or use by date impressed on them, but they don’t cos that would have cost more. This is because we bought the cheapest we could find on the parts market. It also means that the mark up is phenomenal, and because they break with such regularity, you buy lots of them.

The most important switch fitted to your vehicle is the Hazard Warning Light Switch (aka the “I’m illegally parked lights” switch). Now this little bugger is an absolute triumph of p*ss poor design over function. Given the propensity for breakdowns associated with all of our products, we thought that this switch would have to be as unreliable as was humanly possible. It (and its attendant relay) is such an integral part of the wiring system of your vehicle that when they go wrong the mayhem this results in is of Biblical proportions. In theory, pressing this switch results in all four-indicator lights flashing at the same time and frequency. In practice this is not necessarily what will happen. To be honest, anything can happen and does. In reality, the hazard lights main purpose in life is to help the recovery truck driver locate your vehicle.

The Use and Construction Regulations state that there is a repeater light that flashes with the Hazard lights, this is to let the driver and other road users know that the vehicle is illegally parked, sorry that should read the vehicle has broken down and is a hazard to other road users. We decided, early on in the design process to place this switch in just about the most inaccessible position possible, this is to ensure that it is only used in emergencies as it takes about half an hour to find the wretched thing. Because of this, it is not unusual to see Landrovers driving merrily on their way with the hazard lights flashing away and the driver blissfully unaware. Why does this happen?, because we put the switch in such a position that it is impossible to see the repeater lamp built into the switch, it also gives you something to do whilst awaiting recovery. It is also entirely possible that this effect has something to do with the indicator stalk and it’s associated wiring (see section above “KNOBS and STALKS”)

Next to the Hazard light switch is the interior light/instrument panel illumination switch. Why this switch exists is totally beyond comprehension, other than we bought a job lot that wouldn’t fit in any other vehicle. We like to give owners lots of choices. More knobs and buttons to play with equal better value for money.

The Heated Rear Window switch also hides next to the other two switches. This is almost self-explanatory, unless you were too tight to have ticked the options box when you bought the vehicle, but hey, that’s not our problem. We decided to booby trap later vehicles with a financial time bomb that is associated with the heated rear window. It is known by the name of the Voltage Sensitive Switch. This horrendously expensive, small yellow box is cunningly hidden behind the dashboard where you can’t see it ( for what a new one costs it should actually be fluorescent yellow and bolted to the top of the dash in full view and all it’s splendour, but like I said that ain’t my decision, I just write the manuals). Therefore, you don’t know it exists, till it breaks. Now this wonderful piece of kit stops you flattening your battery by leaving the heated window on without the engine running, until it breaks and doesn’t.

Other switches

If your vehicle is more than a 12 month old and has more than one owner, the chances are great that other, none standard, switches will be fitted. These will vary in quantity, quality and type according to the predilections of the previous owner(s).

Precisely what function these switches perform is your problem, not ours. Some may be labelled (normally by an innumerate dyslexic 3 year old) and actually give you a hint as to their function, but the majority will be happy to remain anonymous. They will be integrated into the wiring loom by every method known to humankind, but by far the commonest is the “twist the copper wires together and wrap them in Sellotape” method. Now this generally results in the escape of all the vehicles electricity, and large bills.

Many happy hours will be spent turning them on and off to see what they do, most will not actually do anything cos the accessory they were installed to activate was taken out long before you actually bought the vehicle, but like I said, that’s your problem not ours.

There is an advantage to these switches, given the current price of scrap copper, removing them and their associated wiring will give you a better return on your investment than your current pension plans, not only that, the weight saving will improve your fuel economy. Quids in, both ways really.

HEATER CONTROLS AND VENTILATION

Arguably the best example of an oxymoron known in British Literature. Sublime in their inefficiency and stupidity of design, a true design classic. NB Puma owners can disregard this section as they have more money than sense, after all if it sounds like a Transit Van, it is a Transit Van. In addition, Series owners can merely dream on. Discovery/P38 owners can skip this bit as although a very efficient heater is fitted to your vehicle, the associated switches wiring and ECU’s will simply give up the ghost shortly after the vehicle leaves the factory, or in some cases before.

The Heater controls are situated both sides of the Instrument binnacle and consist of three levers with knobs on the end. They are physically attached to the actual heater unit by bits of very stretch metallic looking string, one again, in theory.

Fan Speed Control

We are not sure if the word “control” is the best word to use here, but as we couldn’t find a suitable alternative, it will have to do. The lever on the left may control fan speed, the two on the right may control airflow direction and temperature. Possibly. The fan- speed control lever appears to have three positions, but as we all know by now, appearances can be deceptive:

Position 1 Fully Up – theoretically this is the Off position, but with most Landrovers, unless one is blessed with the strength of Hercules, it impossible to get the lever to move to this point,. Unless, that is, one inhabits an alternative quantum dimension.

Position 2 Half Way Up - (if one is an optimist, and, having bought one of our products, you really need to be) or Half Way Down (if one is a pessimist or previously owned a P38). Once again, the design theory would suggest that this position is slow speed. It is, however, only a suggestion; remember there are no guarantees in life or with Landrover driver controls…

Position 3 Fully Down – Fast Speed. Says what it does on the tin (see caveat below).

Now we need to add a small, but vitally important caveat on the word speed. As Albert Einstein said, all things are relative, this is eminently applicable to fan speed on Landrover Heaters. The two main speeds, fast and slow, may not vary by much. But we can assure you that slow speed is slower than the fast speed, perhaps not by much admittedly, but they are different.

Once again the fan speed, in theory, dictates the airflow rate that comes out of the heater vents. The actual flow rate is, in reality, greatly dependant on a number of factors. Some of which are dealt with in the next section. And some we are just gonna ignore, cos we are as baffled as you are as to how the bloody system works/don’t work and to be brutally honest, you are reading something written by someone who just don’t give a sh*t.

Airflow rate is completely arbitrary. At its highest setting it may be similar to the velocities recorded from Hurricane Katrina, but then again it is more likely to be similar to that of the final exhalation of an emphysemic asthmatic hamster with one lung who smoked 100 Woodbines per day. Ditto its lowest setting.

Temperature and Airflow Direction

As with all things associated with our products, the following section is purely theoretical, in that what we say will happen is not necessarily what will happen on your particular vehicle, you have been warned…

Temperature Control

This lever is the innermost one on the right hand side of the instrument panel. Once again it appears to have two distinct positions:

Fully up – could mean Cold

Fully down – could mean less cold

Anywhere in between these two settings should result in a progressive change in temperature, the operative word being “should”. In reality the air temperature that emanates from the heater vents is completely random in action. This is entirely due to how the system works.

At Landrover we assemble our vehicles using whatever parts we have to hand at the time, this was how the heater came to be. The actual heater unit is, actually, quite effective when new (i.e. at least until after the first time a dealer changes the water/antifreeze/sludge and various corrosion products that serve as a coolant). Unfortunately the temp controls are attached to the heater unit using bits of metallic string. We searched long and hard for a metallic string that had the correct (high) degree of elasticity and finally settled on the same metallic string that we originally used for the Austin Maxi gear change (younger owners may wish to ask an adult what this refers to). This stuff is just about the stretchiest string known to mankind; it is indeed stretchier than a stretchy thing. The result is that you can fiddle with the lever till your little heart’s content, but the results will still be the same, random heat output. Live with it, after all you bought it.

By far the easiest and most effective way to adjust the temperature setting within your vehicle is to set it to the nominally hot setting then open the windows/dash vents until the correct internal temperature is achieved. If you have difficulty achieving a high enough internal temp during the winter months, have you considered our range of thermal underwear available through all good Landrover dealers?

It must be stated that the heating system in our products is ONLY for the benefit of those in the front of the vehicle, those in the second row seats are an irrelevance, if they die of hypothermia in the winter, well, that’s your problem, not ours. You should have bought the Landrover range of thermals available from all good dealers…

Airflow Direction

Now this was one of our eureka moments. The lever that controls airflow direction is the outermost on the right hand side of the instrument panel. It has three settings (told you we liked to give our customers a choice), once again we used the stretchy string stuff to attach this lever to the direction control flaps buried deep in the heater box and bulkhead:

Fully up – demisting.

Where do we start with this one then? Now with the temp setting at less cold and the airflow direction set to demist, please use a decent shammy leather to remove excess water from the inside of the windscreen, available from our extensive accessory collection (for those of you lucky enough to have a heated windscreen, please ignore this bit). If one is not in a particular hurry, the demister function will eventually clear a small portion of the lower windscreen, however after a few years of driving like this, one rapidly develops physical characteristics that preclude one from visiting Notre Dame Cathedral due to crowds of locals lobbing rocks at one. It also pays to learn (in French of course) the phrase “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL”, this is in Appendix 1 at the end of this manual…

We could not be arsed to include the side windows in the demist function, after all if you are driving forward, why the hell do you need to look out of the bloody side windows anyway? If you are going backwards, intentionally that is (see section above on gear levers), wind the bloody window down like everyone else…See, more driver choice.

If you are very lucky, the hot (ish) air that comes out of the demister vents may just be warm enough to prevent facial frostbite occurring during the winter months, unlikely, but not entirely impossible. Have you seen the stylish Balaclavas available from our super cool, Landrover branded, clothing collection?

Half Way up/down

Might just Split the airflow between the windscreen (hahahahah) and the foot wells.

Fully Down

All the airflow goes to the foot wells, in the winter one has lovely toasty tootsies due to the close proximity of the exhaust and transfer box radiating heat through the body work. In the summer one also has lovely toasty tootsies due to the close proximity of the exhaust and transfer box radiating heat through the body work. The airflow from the vents is in no way, shape or form related to the temperature found in the foot wells, neither is the temperature setting selected by the driver.

We, at Landrover, designed the heating system to be fully multifunctional. When stuck in traffic it acts (possibly, depending on user settings and random events) as an auxiliary engine cooling device, next time you are having a picnic (sorry driving) on the British linear car park system (motorways for our foreign brethren) look out of your windows at your fellow Landrover drivers, they are easy to spot, they are the ones who have every window open and are stripped down to their skivvies suffering from heat stroke, their vehicles are surrounded by a heat haze that makes the Sun look like an ice box, this is the auxiliary engine cooling system operating at peak efficiency.

AIR Conditioning (AKA Aircon, with the emphasis on CON)

A quick note is required here to account for Aircon. The more upmarket vehicles in our range (again, P38 owners may omit this section as Air-conditioning will be fitted, but it won’t work) have a rather good Aircon system that works, most of the time. Series owners, on the other hand, don’t. Defenders (we are using this as a generic term) may or may not have such a system fitted. If it is fitted, we can tell you now, you wasted your money ticking that option box, pal. Why? For aircon to work effectively it needs a sealed environment, sh*t man, have you seen the panel gaps around the doors on a Defender? Nuff said.

BONNET RELEASE

As this is not a lever, knob, button nor a switch so we decided to put it here.

On early models, the bonnet release was accessed from outside the car and did what it said on the box. On later models we decided that it would be accessed from inside the vehicle, ‘cos we are nice like that.

The release handle is situated somewhere in the deepest recesses of the driver’s side foot well and looks a bit like an umbrella handle. If one pulls it hard, more of that lovely stretchy string we so value at Landrover disengages the bonnet lock (situated at the front of the bonnet, stupid, where else would it be?), well sometimes it does. More often it doesn’t.

More often than not sweet bugger all happens as the internal stretchy string has, well, stretched, to the point that there is approximately 2 foot of slack to take up. The result is that the bonnet remains resolutely shut. Period. Alternatively the outer cable, in which the stretched string runs, detaches itself from the little springy clip thingies that, in theory, stop it from flopping about resulting in, yes you’ve guessed haven’t you, the bonnet remains resolutely shut.

At this point, some folks just mutter and walk away to find a hammer and cold steel chisel to open the bonnet using the brute strength and ignorance technique, now we at Landrover body panels fully approve of this method as bonnets have one hell of a mark up…. However, the intelligent, cheaper and more effective method is to exit the said vehicle and reach in thro the slats of the radiator grill until one finds the said two foot of slack stretchy string and give it a bloody good yank. Bonnet will pop open a treat. Now the only problem is that it will now not close properly, as the spring in the bonnet lock is either clogged with off road detritus, too weak, or does not have the length of travel available to take up the two foot length of slack…. If the vehicle is to remain stationary for a long period of time (which is probable given the way they break down with unexplainable/irreparable/ temporary faults inherent in all our vehicles) this is not a major problem.

However, should you chose to use the said vehicle, then you must feed the excess cable back through so that the bonnet lock will engage. Either that, or you take the risk that the anti burst lock will stop the bonnet from flying up and obscuring all forward vision causing you to crash and burn and die, the choice after all is yours. The rest of the World option (mentioned in the windscreen washer section) of using a small child to weight down the bonnet is effective, but the screams that emanate at motorway speeds can be somewhat intrusive….

FOOT PEDALS

Situated in the drivers foot well are a number of pedals. The exact number depends on what type of vehicle you have bought from us.

If there are only two, then you have either bought an automatic, in which case you are an idle git and should learn to drive properly using a manual gearbox, like real men do. OR, you have bought an absolute dog which is missing a few bits, again, not our problem. For auto boxes, one pedal makes it go, press down, and one makes it stop, again press down. Easy ain’t it.

For real men, you will find three pedals:

1. The one on the left if pressed down may or may not retard forward motion. The degree of retardation should be directly proportional to how hard you press down, press down too hard and you will generate huge plumes of tyre smoke and crash into the obstacle in front of you; this is called the “all locked up with nowhere to go” situation, or the “I was changing the CD/Brushing my hair/ sending a text/ Undue Care and Attention” situation, similar to the preceding situation, you crash into the obstacle in front….

A word of warning about the spiffing high tech Anti Lock Braking (aka ABS) system we took to fitting to our vehicles. Read this bit and commit to memory. ABS allows you to steer around obstacles whilst braking hard, thus avoiding the “all locked up with nowhere to go”situation, it may slightly reduce braking distances, but that is not its primary function. Honest.

2. The Middle pedal. This may operate the clutch which disengages the engine from the transmission. But then again, busted gearboxes, prop shafts and diffs also have a similar effect, all be it more irreversible than using the pedal…

Like the brake pedal, this one has a progressive action, if you only push it down a little bit (called slipping the clutch) the drive is not completely disengaged, this function has its uses. You know you are overdoing it a wee bit when slipping the clutch results in clouds of acrid smoke and fumes filling the interior of the vehicle…

3. The Right Pedal (aka the go faster pedal or loud switch). This is arguably the most fun to use. On petrol models fitted with V8’s it is the most glorious piece of kit we ever devised; it is recommended that on these vehicles it is ONLY ever pressed firmly to the floor and in every gear, and f*ck the greenies, I mean, have you heard a V8 on full chat? Better than sex man, better than sex. For Diesel owners, well, get a life and a V8, as pressing this pedal to the floor will have a very limited effect on forward motion.

Now for most models, this pedal is attached to the carbs or fuel injection (don’t mention the oil burners; for God’s sake, oil is for central heating, not motor vehicles) by a piece of the same stretchy string that we use for all control cables, so the same caveats apply…However, some bright young thing in the design team came up with a really clever idea of dispensing with the stretchy string stuff altogether. Now this seemed to be a good idea at the time, he called it Fly by wire. The idea was that there would be no physical connection between the go faster bits attached to the engine and the pedal itself. Instead the degree of forward motion would be governed by electricity, who would believe that, I ask you…

The controller of this function (called a throttle potentiometer, I think) was placed in the foot well where it could get bathed in water and be smacked by the bits of cardboard we installed as interior trim, and as we all know, water and electricity were simply made for each other, not. The results can be hilarious, the go faster pedal becomes possessed by its own demons and simply does its own thing and sod what the driver wants.The only redeeming feature of this debacle is that is mainly fitted to 5 cylinder diesels, and as we all know, diesels don’t go fast enough to cause any real damage, besides they tend to go bang at about 100K miles, so problem solved. Still, as a technological exercise, it proved that we at Landrover are a forward thinking bunch…

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