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OT: Rolf HArris Joke


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A paramedic arrives on the scene of an accident, a car flipped on its roof with an Essex girl hanging upside down from the seat. He sees lots and lots of blood so asks the girl

"Can you hear me?"

"yes" squeaks the girl

So grabbing her hand, he asks "Can you feel that?"

"yes"

Concerned by the amount of blood he asks "Any idea where you are bleeding from?"

"Romford!"

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome and extremely sexy

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly

attentive stare and walked directly toward her. >

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned

over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that

you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £ 20.00 - -on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly

removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's

hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house"

Les. :)

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,

anchors,and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

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Yet another to brighten your day:

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a

12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

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Subject: Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign. :lol:

Oh and......

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of ControlScalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Erm ,yes ....I am proud to be British :huh:

Nige

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