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Ot : Plans For Euro-english


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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official

language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for

improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with

joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more

komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil

hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united

urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Nige :D

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Oh man Nige;

Great to see this back................. I remember this Mildly miffed off more than one German member of the old Forums...........

That and my going on about "Spitfire" beer adds :) :) :)

A good laugh needed around here :) :) :)


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Achtung! Hande hoch! For you Tommy ze var is over. Gott in Himmel ein Schpitfeuer!takatakatakatakatakatakatakatakatakataka Aaaagh! Der Baron von Reichs-Pudding vill awenge der spillink of der German blood unt ve shall send ein squadron of Panzers to smash der Englander unt Amerikaner forces on der beaches.

Between learning Commando in my formative years and Blackadder later on when I was supposed to be doing a degree I'm a proper linguist :lol:

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RUMOURS THAT the local athletics stadium was haunted by a phantom runner who hated Germans and who raced round the track at midnight and into the early hours had been been buzzing round the big manufacturing town of Greystone for several years. The stories were not taken seriously until the stadium night watchman, old Ed Gudgeon, was rushed to hospital with chest pains after claiming to have seen the ghost one night in July.

Alf Tupper, the Tough of the Track, was a pal of Ed, and as soon as he finished work at Charlie Chipping’s plumber’s shop next evening he hurried to the hospital with a set of Scorpion 2" lift springs, bunch of purple grapes, a Pacet electric fan and a bottle of stout for the old invalid.

“What happened, Ed?†growled Alf. “Was you drunk again?â€

“No I was not drunk!†cried Ed. “I saw a blooming ghost. But that reminds me. Take the top off that bottle before the Matron comes.â€

Alf bit the top off the stout bottle and Ed took a deep swig.

“Well tell us what happened,†demanded Alf.

Ed licked froth off his upper lip and said, “I parked t'Series 3 in't street, and was thinking of Michele's handling problems. Tricky for a man of his age, I thought. Maybe he needs more bounce in his lower pinions. Why can't he get a prescription for Viagra?

I was in the men’s dressing room, mopping the floor, and suddenly I heard the pattering of feet. I thought, ****, it's my K & N filter causing me head wear problems again. But, no - I looks at my watch and it’s ten past twelve. That's a long time with a K & N filter fitted.

So I crept up into the grandstand to get a good view and he was out there on the track in the moonlight, going along like a top class miler, chased by a chain pull Series 1, and I shouted out, and he vanished just like a soap bubble bursting, and then my heart missed a couple of beats and I must have collapsed. The doctors say I’ve got a very tired old ticker. Give me one of those fags, there’s a good lad, and have one yourself.â€

“No thanks,†said Alf. “I gave up when I went to public school. My fag was Elton John and look what he turned out t'be. Tell us what this fellow looked like.â€

“It’s funny you should ask. He looked very familiar. And he was wearing an old Greystone Harriers vest with a picture of Trev Cuthbert in't midddle.â€

“How d’you mean, familiar?â€

“His style of running was familiar. His head and shoulders were thrown back, almost as if he was falling over backwards, his nose was pointing at the sky, and he raised his knees very high.†Ed drew deeply on his fag and his brow furrowed with thought. “I know I’ve seen that style of running before, but I can’t place it. But it was somebody I’ve seen before. Perhaps it was in my own running days.â€


“That would make him about a hundred and ten,†said Alf.

“You mean a 110? It’s no joke, young man. I hardly dare go back to that stadium. That reminds me, I’ve got to find somebody to replace me as night watchman for a couple of weeks until I’m out of here. Could you put the word around? Somebody might be glad of the job.â€

“Look no further,†said Alf. “I’ll do it.â€

“I thought you were a plumber’s mate with Richard Green...Teflon Sam...Wicked Willy...Brainless Brianâ€

“****, you've been watching me. I don’t need much sleep. But I do need plenty of track training. I’ll have the track all to myself every night.â€

“Apart from the ghost,†put in Ed. "LRE".

“There’s no such thing,†growled Alf, and got up to leave.

“Oh, another thing about that ghost,†said Ed. “He was wearing a mask. Looked like Les Henson.â€

Alf felt a little shiver run down his spine. Then he scowled at his own stupidity and said so long to Ed.


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