DiscoHere Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I know you have probably all seen this before but I just though it is a good way to start the new year..........Oh the promise of things to come The Book of The Dammed Its not the fault of the writers, they wrote the book in a nice warm workshop while using a brand new car for the example. If however, they were subject to what the rest of us have to put up with, ie. a windswept driveway at 2pm on a Sunday with an ominious dark cloud on the horizon, while working on a vehicle that has an odometer showing mileage halfway to the moon, then perhaps it may have been written a little differently... Manual: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Manual: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Manual: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell, matey! Manual: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. Manual: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Manual: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Manual: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Manual: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot in any way be considered "lightly". Manual: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Manual: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Manual: One Spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Manual: Two Spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Manual: Three Spanner rating. Translation: You may have to consider resorting to Satanism for help with this job Manual: Four Spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Manual: Five Spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this.. Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Manual: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Manual: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Manual: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Manual: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Manual: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Manual: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Manual: Using a suitable drift.. Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Manual: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Manual: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Holding a lighted match under it isn't moderate heat. Manual: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you actually want! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPendrey Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Yep, very good, and true too! Love the "round blob of rust", could also be "the bit that's spinning that shouldn't be spinning"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimAttrill Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Those tiny springs (and other things) are known as 'pingon's in the trade. 'Ping' and they're gone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station-MotorSport Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 LOL. Now I'm a mechanic and on the odd occasion we get stumped by something that we havent seen before, so when all else fails we grab a H****s manual and then look at the description and diagrams, look at the car, then remark 'What the hell, that aint right?' Sometimes I really wonder why we bothered. Prime example is on the Jaguar XJ6 manual, its electronic timed ignition, but use a distributor to just distribute the spark, no timing etc envolved. The manual clearly states that after refitting the distributor the car must be return to the dealer for retiming of the distributor!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimAttrill Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 If you read the TD5 'genuine' manual it tells you how to remove the spark plugs. And how to refit them as well. Maybe that's why the Defender TD5 tool kit includes a plug spanner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.