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OT Two gorgeous blondes on my bonnet

Steve King

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I can remember when my 15 year old was as sweet as that!

now she reminds me of someone? LOL!

Its been on before, but its worth another look.

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be

delivering a package, because you're sure not picking

anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance

at her, so long as you do not peer at anything

below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off

my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of

your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they

appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this

as an insult, but you and all of your friends are

complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded

about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and

your trousers ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in

fact, come off during the course of your date with my

daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your

trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let

me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I

will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know

each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other

issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only

information I require from you is an indication of when you

expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the

only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many

opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as

long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you

have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date

no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make

her cry, I will make you die.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and

fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should

not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a

process that can take longer than painting the Severn

Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do

something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my

daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything

softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no

parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where

there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding

hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature

is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank

tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a

sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be

avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football

games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,

middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to

my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your

universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,

you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and

five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to

mistake the sound of my little girls shoes walking up the driveway. When my wife starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently

tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my

daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you

should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak

the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you

have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return

to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The

camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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