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Way off topic but funny and worth a read


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Apparantly true


This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry

member of the public. True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police

station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try

e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues

in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I

think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St

Marys Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a

football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an

earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This

game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system

works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several

bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully

dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting

about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited

attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the

two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs

off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to

lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half

the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why

not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when

there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before

doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve

no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant



Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered

in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss

the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and

when may be suitable.


PC ?

Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details

to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat

officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In

the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen

you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated

the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his

forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a

matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in

Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care

and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using

words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might

want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road,

or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the

bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

contact me on xxxxx. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,

I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't

work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

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