hattymender Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 A friend passed me an old copy of 'Farm Ideas' today, never seen it before and it's a publication of (unexpected) genius. One bit, obviously lifted from America, was far the best (sorry if it's old news): Tool Definitions: • Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room. • Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. • Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original target object. • Skil Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. • Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters. • Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert a minor touch up job into major refinishing job. • Hacksaw: One of a family of tools used for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it’s course the more dismal your future becomes. • Mole Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available thy can also be used to transfer intense heat of welding to palm of your hand. • Welding Gloves: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. • Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside thw wheel hub you want the bearing out of. • Table Saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. • Hydraulic Floor Jack: Use to lower automobile to the ground after you’ve changed the brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under the bumper. • Eight foot long 4x4: Used for levering car upwards off a trapped jack handle. • Tweezers: A tool for removing splinters and wire wheel wires. • Stud Extractor: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes. • Two Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. • Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw. • Phillips Screwdriver: Used to stab vacuum seals under lids, opening old style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. But can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. • Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert slotted screws into non-removable screws. • Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you wanted to remove. • Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short. • Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts around the target object Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retroanaconda Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Excellent stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BogMonster Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Probably the first OT post I have seen that ought to be in the Tech Archive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mo Murphy Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Quality ! Mo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samtope Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Thats hilarious, love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wkw90 Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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