probably one of the funniest eBlag descriptions ive ever read!

[discomikey]

enjoy!

[CwazyWabbit]

Lol, I bet that gets pulled before the auction ends though.

The pictures make the Landy look in better condition than his description implies.

[ian_s]

some people have far too much time on their hands to write things like that!

[stuck]

Made me laugh ...

[Bluemoon]

just in case it does get pulled, I've copied most here, too good not to.

Landrover 109 hardtop currently in use as secure storage to house my 93 year old gran.....may stink of pee a little and a strange smell of haddock but will have a good hose down before it leaves... and i may even wash the landrover whilst i'm at it!.

REASON FOR SALE ?

Gran killed grandad and she's of no use to us so need the cash to have her put to sleep.....sorry.. i mean in to a care home, well i say 'killed' him, it was more of an accident really, if you are really interested go grab a brew, sit back and i will explain the circumstances surrounding grandad's sad demise..........

Gran and grandad were regulars at the local bingo hall and about 3 weeks ago, Elsie, who is gran's dealer,...sorry...best friend,.. rang me to say she was a little worried because they had not turned up and they never miss a session and she could not get any answer when she rang them, they lived not far from me so i set off to investigate. I arrived at there house to find the curtains still closed and the milk still on the step, i lifted the letterbox and called out to them and could hear a muffled response so i called the police for help, upon the arrival of said police i explained everything and the officer forced entry into the house, the bobby and i followed the muffled noises up the stairs to gran and grandad's bedroom and opened the door.......now then......we were met with a sight which was not dissimilar to a scene from an adult version of COCOON....gran and grandad were in a position that was...lets say...doggies do best...i don't know who was more bewildered...me or the policeman?!.. me i think because the policeman was becoming strangely aroused!....Gran was still moaning so i leant over and lifted her head to hear what she was saying..."oooh luvvy..get him off me...iv'e been here for hours"... It was at this moment that we came to realise grandad had passed away....sad circumstances i know....but you should have seen him, eyes wide open and a huge grin on his face...he looked like Sian Lloyd with something shoved up her arse........he's still got it now and he's been dead three weeks!...i know this because he is propped up in our back room because we can't afford to bury him either!. I informed gran what had happened..."Oh gran so sorry but grandad's gone and we can't move him...he's gone stiff"...gran's reply was "Stiff ?..Don't talk to me about him going stiff...that's what caused all this in the first place....get the old bugger off me!!"....Then the paramedics arrived and the policeman began to video the proceedings on his mobile phone...." for evidential purposes sir"...evidential?..so what's that down the front of your trousers then..your truntion?, i grew even more suspicious when he asked for the correct spelling of YOUTUBE!.. Now credit where credit is due, the paramedics were amazing and dealt with the situation in a very caring and profficient manner..."hello luv..oh dear what have you been doing then?"...gran looked up and her face said it all. Grandad was still slumped over gran's back and when the paramedics attempted to lay him down...he popped back up... and gran panicked....."oooh..the randy old bugger's come back for more...get him off me!!". The paramedics decided it was time to.. erm..seperate them so one held grandad down whilst the other one had a look...now then...upon our arrival the smell was a bit horrendous and i thought it was grandad going a bit ripe but it transpired not to be, the female paramedic put her head down to have a look at the situation and immediately sat back up, coughed and said "ooh luv i think you may have had a little accident but don't worry" gran replied "accident? no luvvy that will be my arthritis".. paramedic replied... "arthritis in your ladies area?"...gran.."no luvvy in my wrists......it stops me from wiping my arse"....this reply caused the male paramedic to loose his grip on grandad who promptly shot bolt upright and his teeth flew out and hit the policeman in the nuts!.....the female paramedic fell off the bed and due to grandad's springing motion he shot backwards again and headbutted the other paramedic in the face!.....grandad was backwards and forwards like one of those nodding dogs..and his grin was even more pronounced since his teeth flew out!!!!....the policeman was on his knees groaning...the paramedic was bleeding from his nose... gran was screaming whilst being hummped by a dead man and the female paramedic was in tears because she swears she heard grandad say "your next bitch"!...my initial reaction was to step back, which i did, and was met with a loud yelp...their pet chihauhua 'tyson' was sitting cross legged on the bedroom floor with a copy of 'Doggies do Dallas' and puffing on gran's bong!!....Any how, after all had calmed down, lots of pushing and pulling and the use of lots of lubricant gran and grandad were eventually seperated and gran was taken off to the hospital and grandad was left kneeling bolt upright on the bed waiting for the undertaker to arrive.... two days he was there before anyone remembered! [sorry grandad] So there you have it, gran didn't really 'kill' grandad but when she recovered slightly we got to the bottom of what happened. Grandad's eyesight was not very good and both he and tyson [the dog] had to take medication and grandad bless him had got them mixed up that evening and they had both taken the wrong ones which had an adverse effect on grandad in a similar way to him having taken viagra! Apparently grandad was so chuffed he went upstairs to show gran, who being from a generation when it was a sin to waste anything promptly grabbed the baby oil and dragged him into the bedroom. The position they were found in came about because gran had a new stainless steel knee fitted a few months earlier and she didn't want it clanging on grandad's previously fitted new hip...anyhow...it was a chilly night and gran had put the electric blanket on and when they 'got down to it' unknown to grandad gran's new knee touched an exposed area of power cord on the blanket which sent her into a major spasm....she was screaming and groaning and writhing around and grandad thought he was doing her the world of good..... and hung on shouting "yeee haaa"...........until...seconds later... his pacemaker exploded!.......The rest you know. So there you have it, grandad's dead and gran's living in the landy....oh and to top it all off the undertaker moaned his bag off because he couldn't get the lid on grandad's coffin!!!!...hence why he is propped up in our back room. Please bid because it's all getting too much now and grandad is starting to melt!

BODYWORK

Built and registered in 1981, no current tax or mot. Bodywork is normal old landrover and fine other than a few war wounds and has had a recent [brushed] repaint inside and out, doors are ok but could do with new window runners, these were ok but gran tried to attack the postman and damaged one [ my appologies again to the postman, i will pay for your new underwear and i hope the counselling is going well ]. The bulkhead is solid enough but has had a footwell repair on the nearside due to gran's urine infection.

INTERIOR

The interior is ok for what there is of it, seats are a little torn but cheap to replace and it will be clean once i have removed the empty gin, stout bottles and wurthers wrappers and peeled the used tenna lady pads from the roof.... that reminds me there is a small dent in the roof.. gran had been for a pooh and hit her head on it whilst trying to pull her pants back on...this could have resulted in a serious incident but luckily she fell head first into her porta potti... therefore no further damage was done to the Landrover.

ENGINE

The engine starts off the key first time and sounds great but does smoke a little on first start but then clears [ stem seals?] or maybe it was gran with one of her "medicinal" spliffs?, the exhaust manifold is blowing but a replacement is supplied. As for power it's normal landy...ok... but gran could go faster in her slippers with her drawers round her ankles [our postman can verify this].

GEARBOX

The gearbox works fine but it makes one hell of a clacking racket when you put it in reverse...i needed to move it the other day whilst gran was still in it and when i put it into reverse...well... gran shat herself.......the poor love thought the german luftwaffe had come back!.... A known good replacement gearbox and transfer box are included ready to fit... Again that reminds me..you may want to change the gearstick as gran was caught doing something unmentionable with / on it the other day and it's now covered in some sort of putrid substance....and smells of haddock.

CHASSIS

. The chassis has had work in the past but is solid and has recently been cleaned off and undersealed [gran can vouch for this as when we let her out daily for half an hour this is where she hides to terrify next doors cat]. Again due to gran's urine infection the rear floor has been replaced with checker plate and is easy maintenance [gran's waste products come off a treat with a quick hose down] and the spare wheel is housed in the back which makes an ideal bedside table according to gran.

The small print..please take the time to read fully prior to bidding.

The car is an old car and will be sold with NO WARRANTY OR GUARANTEES of any kind, the winning bidder will buy the car on a BOUGHT AS SEEN basis. Viewing the car is highly recommended, if you do not view and bid blind and win YOU HAVE BOUGHT IT no ifs or buts after the auction ends, your winning bid will be the price you pay NO HAGGLING or you will be asked to leave and the sale will not take place. NO and just incase you are hard of hearing NO bidders with less than 10 positive feedback or any negatives unless you contact me prior to bidding, if you bid without doing this i will cancel the bid and block you from bidding on my items. UK bidders only please. I will require the winning bidder to pay a £100 non refundable deposit via paypal immediatley at auction end and the remaining balance to be paid in cash on collection of the car which must be within 7 days of auction end. The car will need to be trailored or transported away due to not being road legal. All cash will be checked for legality. Genuine ebayers please accept my appologies for the above but i know you will understand the reasons for these terms.

CONTACT INFO

Use the ask seller button or give me a ring / text [no with held numbers please] and i will try and answer any Qs you have about the Landy.

Bry 07876 178 296 phone on from 10am till 11-45pm.

Good luck to all who choose to bid.

Check out my

other items!

On 29-May-12 at 23:59:48 BST, seller added the following information:

Bit of an update r.e the gran situation: My bad luck just gets worse , Gran somehow managed to get free of her shackles today and was discovered sitting naked in a neighbours garden pond surrounded by dead fish, Mr johnson of number 12 was not so concerned about his fish but was very angry that their window cleaner had sat traumatised on their roof for two hours and refused to come back down until gran had been removed!.....apparently she caught him off guard as he was cleaning the patio doors.... and he shot up a drain pipe.......quickly followed by gran....who consequently fell off and landed in said pond!..I was called to collect gran and promptly did so and walked her back to our house amid screams of.. "Oh my word...that's disgusting ".. and... " mummy..why don't they just shoot it ? ".....i shouted to them... " how rude, she is an old lady and it will happen to us all one day...have a little respect! ".....then i discovered she had a rather large fish sticking out of her arse.....and it was still alive and flapping about!!!!!!!!!!!...........PLEASE BUY THE LANDY...I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE!

[Eightpot]

I've seen a few ads like that for things that I actually needed and would have bid on, but the thought of having to meet the zany 'you should see me at parties' funny guy author and be subject to their endless wit puts me right off.

And rule number 1 - never buy a car off a clown

honk honk.

[Boris113]

Some of the questions asked are pretty good also!

[Cat_J]

A dangerously insane person... Funny though.

7435 views and counting.

[RustyNissanPrairie]

WELCOME!!! - YOU DONT HAVE TO BE MAD TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS!

Etc, etc, etc.....

Sounds a proper idiot to me.

[TobyMellin]

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1981-LAND-ROVER-109-4-CYL-GREEN-SORRY-MR-EBAY-/130709090023?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item1e6ede6ee7#ht_2954wt_1189

I find his re listed item description a funny one aswel!