Barker's - Beginner's Tool Guide

[Les Brock]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabiliser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh@t..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

FI TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'F*** *t!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

Jeeez

Some of those are erm "Quite True"

Nige

[elbekko]

Indeed quite true.

[FridgeFreezer]

Wire wheels are also useful for quickly stopping a spinning angle-grinder with only your jumper.

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

You also seemed to miss these :

MILLING MACHINE

Large massusive Drill that can rip items that you thought were secured in a vice and then flys around on the cutter

slowly working its way loose - whilst you decide which direction to run hoping large heavy rotating lump about to come off drill goes

in an opposite direction to the one your choosing - normally "FAIL"..

LATHE

Useful item for making round things, which at the same time fires swarf and hot bits from top of head to opening in V of Polo shirt

Chuck key when left in Chuck has a magnetic attraction to fleshly delicate parts of you body when switched on in error

STANLEY KNIFE

More than razor sharp blade that seems to go blunt on contact with what's being cut, which after additional grunt and force is added

becomes razor sharp slides right through item being cut and wounds you deeply and horribly before you can say "Ooooooooo F***"

SURGEONS SCALPEL

Even more razor shaper than Stanley Knife, good for cutting gaskets, and anything else, 100% continuosly Sterile, so

then can be used in bath to remove sharpnel from LATHE MILLING MACHINE & Swarf

SURGEONS RACTHET CLAMPS

Good for picking up tiny screws and bits dropped into holes you didn't want them too, backs up as good tool to use in conjuction

with Surgeons scalpel in the bath for those "Tough To Reach" lumps embeded in yer delicate parts from the workshop machinery

IODINE

Purple innocuos looking fluid, used by hospitals for that tattoo look and strongest stuff used to kill just about everything infection wise, normallty

profesionally used either before surgery, or after whilst under anestethitc - when used by the "Keen DIYer Surgeon" swilling generously over

deep cuts burns lasserations and injuries, makes you turn into a Dyson after about 10 seconds with more suck

that an industriall extractor, also brings out the 'Anglo Saxon' from deep within you you also turn into a sort of tourettes repeater saying **** **** **** **** or

**** **** **** **** ....

PVC TAPE

Good for electrical covering, masking areas for quick painting and holding together flappy bits of skin

bleeding profusely from STANLEY KNIFE meetings

STEEL CAPPED BOOTS

Pretty much the boot to have to avoid injuries to toes, give a huge feeling of self indestruction, which is revised as not being within

seconds of a diff casing falling off the bench whilst being welded and landing on the boney top part of the foot - just slighly

higher than the Steel toe cap

SAFETY GLASSES

Having been in A&E with the purple dye, head clamp and white coated maniac scrapping your eyeball with a needle removing "Swarf"

these are the items you then buy, available in a selection of styles, from the all encompassing ones that fog up and then

as you sweat fill up with condensation so you can't see and grind a lump out of your paw, to the "Fighter Pilot" stylee which give a truly

false sense of safety as bits learn to fly in from above, below and sideways. Normally stored on the floor, and also have the ability

to disappear when you most need then, resulting in the "I'lljustdotheswintythingandnothingcangetthroughthat" method, result back to A&E

BRAKE CLEANER

An amazing prodyuct that cleans off muck and grease, ignites quicker than my wife when I have excelled myself in stupidity, and finds every single tiny

nick cut and wound on your paws when in use, similar abililty for pain and discomfort as IODINE but is not a deliberate action for wound cleaning

so seems additionally unfair in its pain giving abilities

BUNGEY CORD / STRAP

Fantastic elastic length of cord with hooks at both ends for clamping and teing down things, available with steel or plastic hooks, the plastic hooks

break off with the resultant cord and broken hook coming at you at about MACH 6 with resultant pain as it impacts on face ears forehead teeth...

. Steel hooks obviously far stonger, but hooks seem to slip, with the resultant cord and harder steel hook coming at you at about MACH 6 with

resultant greater pain increased injury as it impacts on face ears forehead teeth

DEGREASING TANK

A Useful tin bath, filled with fluid(s) to aid removal of dirt grim and oil from parts. Often used as some "Receptical" for old brake cleaner,

brake fluid, petrol diesel, more brake cleaner, left over thinners and anything that may or may not have a cleaning ability or oil desolving properties.

Result is a evil smelling fluid, with the aded ability to make your skin feel like its been sandpapered shotblasted rubbed with raw chilli seeds

and about to have the skin fall off exposing your bones to the air

WASHING UP BOWL / OLD OIL COLLECTOR

Kitchen type round or rectangular Bowl that is used to collect old stnking rancid smelly eggy-fart like gagging EP90. Works perfectly, has the

ability to not really be able to be placed anywhere, so often placed on the floor or sturdy shelf "Till Later". The plastic has a superior magnetic

property which ensures you'll kick it, step in it, or catch the corners, making the evil snotgobblingfluid spray over things you want to keep it

away from, not excluding cleaned floor, recent rebuilt pained items, clothes or other things which turn from "perfect" to "Write Off" in the

time it takes you to say "Oh Bollox"

[JeffR]

ANGLE GRINDER

AKA disc cutter etc, an effective surgical tool, which ,when used with a 1mm slitting discs produces self cauterising wounds with interesting small black bits intrinsically bound to the flesh of the user.

AIR POWERED RIVETER

Dual purpose tool, sets rivets and the stems act as effective, penetrative projectiles. The stems look especially good after they have pierced the knuckle on one's right index finger, stems also capable of penetrating Landrover bodywork. Could also be used for other body piercing

DISHWASHER

A very effective machine for degreasing parts up to and including cylinder heads. Down side is that , if one is caught using them appropriately, they will introduce you the spare room, cooking one's own meals, celebacy and May also introduce you to divorce lawyers.

WASHING MACHINE

See Dishwasher

TWIST DRILLS

Can be bought singly or in multi size multipacs. However, no matter how many you buy, the 5mm drill will disappear into the ether the moment the packet is opened. Similarly, if one requires a specific size it will have gone AWOL. Cobalt twist drills produce swarf that is generally hotter than a supernova.

POSIDRIVE SCREWDRIVER

A tool for completely fcuking up Philips screws

ALLEN KEYS

Tools for removing fasteners, generally supplied as sets which are either too short to gain enough leverage or too long to fit the available space.

TORQUE WRENCH

A tool which tells you exactly the shear strength of the fastener you are using it on, for the older members reading this, please wear your spectacles when setting the shear point on your given wrench as FootPounds and NEWTON Meters are not the same. One may require a scanning electron microscope to decipher which is which from the hieroglyphics engraved on the wrench.

240volt Extension Cable

AKA hair straightener or poor mans Taser, when neatly and partially severed by the angle grinder you have just put down, a tool that guarantees meeting HFH in the A&E dept, also very good at introducing one to cardiac arrhythmia's. NB if used in conjunction with a Residual Current Device, the effects of this tool are merely an unpleasant whole body, short term convulsion and SWMBO collapsing in fits of giggles. Generally supplied in lengths that are 6-10 inches too short.

SECURITY FASTENER BITS

Supplied with just about every tool kit these days, don't know what they are for, but, what the hell they tend to look shiny and fill a gap in the tool tray of your tool chest.

MIG WELDER

A tool which produces copious amounts of gobs of molten metal, which, due to the effects of gravity, will find any exposed flesh into which the said gobs will attempt to turn you into Iron Man. Nearly as good as an Oxy torch at setting fire to stuff that you don't want to set fire to. The torch shroud remains hotter than the surface of the Sun for a considerable period of time after you turn the bloody thing off, however the resulting loss of skin is temporary.

AIR COMPRESSOR

A tool for blowing various nasty bits of sharp, painful, stuff into ones eyes.

AIRLINE

A tool which is very vindictive, if one partially or wholly severs an airline, preferably with the angle grinder attachment that you have just dropped due to blood loss, this tool does a damn good impression of an angry Boa Constrictor, complete with sound effects.

BLOWTORCH

When used in conjunction with the AIR Riveter mentioned above, the hissing noise that emanates from the gas cylinder will teach you that you too can run faster than Ben Johnson, without using steroids.

COIL SPRING COMPRESSORS

A great source of entertainment and injury for kids of all ages. Again this is a tool which is generally supplied as too long, too short or too bulky to fit the space in which it was intended for use.

OILY RAG

Generally used for introducing various pathogens and foreign bodies into wounds whilst attempting to stem blood loss. Also if used in conjunction with a MIG welder of Oxy torch, an effective, if somewhat smelly and dangerous inspection lamp.

WELDING HELMET

Great for teaching the user just what welding flash feels like. Even better for asphyxiating one with the fumes from the galved metal plate you are attempting to attach to your very rotten Discovery.

FIRE EXTINGUISHER

The contents of this tool are very good as hallucinogenics, emetics and will clear ones bowels quicker than a gallon of prune juice.

TROLLEY AND BOTTLE JACKS

Tools for gently lowering a Defender onto ones chest.

AXLE STANDS

A unique tool with the incredible ability to always be in the wrong place.

CENTRE PUNCH

A tool that ensures the hole you are about to drill is in the wrong place.

PLASTIC 1 GALLON OIL CAN (FULL)

When used in the vicinity of an angle grinder, this tool turns the garage floor into a very effective ice skating rink.

PLASTIC 1 GALLON OIL CAN (NOW EMPTY)

The hot swarf from an angle grinder turns this tool into a very effective fire alarm tester.

PETROL FUMES/LIQUID

When used in conjunction with cigarettes, angle grinders, MIG welders or any other heat source this tool becomes a very good hair remover.

AEROSOL PAINT CANS

Used to change the colour of the youngest child and the garage walls and the cat and anything else that is within the effective range of the spray pattern. Also very good making windows no longer see thro (etch primer is preferred for this).

CORDLESS INSPECTION LAMP

A tool that teaches one how to find a black cat in a coal mine.

ADHESIVES (inc Cyanoacrylates, PU and impact)

Great for sticking things together that were never meant to be stuck together. Even better at ensuring that son number 2 attends A&E to have the 1/4 drive 7mm deep socket removed from left hand little finger. PU adhesives are even better at permanently attaching you favourite ratchet to the floor pan of a Defender. Oh and they really bugger up clothes. Evo stick is a very effective hallucinogen.

RATCHETS

A tool designed to cause maximum injury when it slips, especially effective when used in conjunction with the lead sockets bought from the local pound shop.

CIRCLIP PLIERS

Designed by NASA to place small springy bits of metal into orbit and eye sockets.

GREASE GUN

A tool for introducing metal particles and sand into bearings

WOODWORM

A tool for greatly reducing the strength of the 6x4 beam in the garage roof when removing the engine from a Mini with a chain hoist.

SPANNERS (RING, COMBINATION, STUBBY and RATCHET)

See ratchets above. NB stubby spanners are supplied to be too short for effective leverage, but they will fit the available space.

[Les Brock]

AIR COMPRESSOR:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Snap On (Professional) Machine Mart (The rest of us) impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Land Rover, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

WORK LIGHT:

The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a lead light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 500 watt Halogen lamps at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is strangely appropriate.

RADIAL ARM SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWEEZERS:

A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16- or 1/2-inch socket you've lost

MULTI-TOOLS:

Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a belt to increase testosterone levels

[Gremlin]

Brilliant..............

May i add a little to the angle grinder bit.............

Usefull for setting one clothing up in flames after prolonged use in grinding mode. May also be used for blowing up batteries and setting various oily rags on fire when used at close quarters to the said items.

G

[Big.Mike]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

I have my own accident book at work, which lead my Director to conclude I might be the only one doing any work...

If only he knew.

[mickeyw]

Love it

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

Torque Wrench - A tool which tells you exactly the shear strength of the fastener you are using it on

so bludy true

[simonr]

JeffR beat me to DISHWASHER with a better answer than I was planning!

Very good list. I'd often wondered what much of this stuff was really for!

Si

[Gremlin]

Stick welder

Multi Tool for joining and ruining various bits of steel that get utterly hot when grabbed with bare hands. Other uses for this formidable tool are blowing holes in thin sheet metal and other various metals, will also blow holes in ones skin when the molten metal hits the said skin. May also be used to set various items on fire unknowingly. Works well as a tanning tool and a blinding apparatus if not used with appriopiate dark glassed helmet as well, sun screen is reccomended as an optional extra. This tool may also find use for mild electro body stimulation when used bare footed or in wet conditions.

[JeffR]

RODENTS

Best known wire strippers in christendom.

GARAGE/WORKSHOP

​A receptacle for all the stuff one didn't know one owned/needed/had/acquired. Occasionally used for the repair of motor vehicles and their accessories....

THE THING

Lurking in the bottom of every tool box/chest is the thing. At some point in time it was a recognisable hand/power tool, however after decades of abuse it has morphed into an unrecognisable but frequently used jack of all trades. Useful as a hammer, drift, pry bar etc. It's got so much of your skin and blood impregnating it's very fabric, a DNA test would class it as a relative. You can't remember what it was originally, but you love it to bits.

A true God among the lesser tools.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER

AKA shifter, the only tool invented by mankind that is guaranteed to fcuk up EVERY job one uses it for. Designed by the very Devil himself, keeps A&E departments in business.

MULTIMETER

Designed to lull you into a false sense of security and allow electrickery to escape as blue smoke and nasty fumes. Mind you, the continuity tester function makes a cool beeping sound.

SOCKET SET UNIVERSAL JOINT

An oxymoron if ever there was one. It's not universal, it's not a joint and it will never bloody work how you think it will.

CHISELS

Frequently disguised as screwdrivers and designed so that striking one with a hammer (or other large heavy metallic object) ones fingers mysteriously cushion the blow or the chisel disassembles itself into a myriad of sharp, pointy, rapidly moving bits of self seeking shrapnel; shrapnel which seeks out the soft, vulnerable bits of ones anatomy into which they embed themselves.

SOCKET RAILS

A tool which makes sockets inaccessible to men possessed of normal strength. They make aircraft black boxes out of similar material to the spring clips.

ANGLE GRINDER (PART 3)

A tool for impregnating windscreens/windows with metal particles. A great source of income for windscreen and windscreen wiper manufacturers.

BALL JOINT SPLITTER (FORK TYPE)

See chisel above, also the best tool known for destroying the rubber boots on track rod ends.

BALL JOINT SPLITTERS (SCISSOR TYPE)

Well what can one say, they ain't scissors and they don't split ball joints. Never found one that actually fitted either.

HYDRAULIC BEARING PULLERS

AKA metallic bowel evacuators .You wind the buggers up and nothing happens, so you wind 'em up some more, then nothing happens, so you use the extension bar scaffold pipe on the spanner and

FCUKING BANG

sh!t and ball bearings fly everywhere and I mean everywhere. Retire to bathroom looking for clean under wear.

ANY TOOL WITH "MADE IN CHINA/TAIWAN/KOREA/INDIA" STAMPED ON IT

An accident just waiting to happen..................

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

THE THING

Lurking in the bottom of every tool box/chest is the thing. At some point in time it was a recognisable hand/power tool, however after decades of abuse it has morphed into an unrecognisable but frequently used jack of all trades. Useful as a hammer, drift, pry bar etc. It's got so much of your skin and blood impregnating it's very fabric, a DNA test would class it as a relative. You can't remember what it was originally, but you love it to bits.

A true God among the lesser tools

:rofl: :rofl:

I do genuinely actually have one of these

[JeffR]

I do genuinely actually have one of these

So do I!!!!

[Gremlin]

Ah jeff you crack me up............damn good laugh in ages..................... brilliant

Hi-lift jack

A rather large tool which will bring happy days in your life in various ways, by the vehicle falling off the said tool, always when you have just removed the wheel! Trapping your fingers between it and the vehicle while jacking up, kicking back the handle faster then the speed of sound either on parts of your body or head. Jamming when you least expect it to! A tool created only by people who love grief and a good dose of explicit words.

G

[DiscoStu]

Excellent educational thread!

The Garage / Workshop

A large untidy area, frequently inhabited by mischevious spirits who enjoy repositioning objects. Also used to hide secret purchases from ones significant other.

[Simon Smith]

Reamer Tool for making a hole that was slightly too small, slightly too big.

Welding Clamp Tool for holding pieces of steel in the wrong place while you set fire to the workshop.

Toolbox Somewhere to keep all the bolts, nuts, washers, brackets etc etc that were left over when you finished.

Floor Somewhere to keep all the tools as there's no room in the toolbox.

Driveway Somewhere to work on the vehicle as the garage floor is covered in tools.

Torch Storage unit for flat batteries and blown bulbs

Defender Cubby Box Storage unit for half a dozen torches and several very sharp fragments of old indicator bulbs desguised as sweet wrappers.