[OT] but very funny

[TheRecklessEngineer]

Seen this a few times now, but cracks me up beyond belief everytime.

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond by writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 FPM descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took

place between air controllers and pilots around the

world. They are included here firstly and simply

because many are very funny; secondly because

the collection provides examples of not so great

communications.

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only

expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control

and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark … and I didn’t land.”

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital

watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe

exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report

from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I now it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Holyzeus]

good one

[Corrode Finger]

Fantastic.

Excellent to have such a good laugh after a rubbish week at work.

Keep em coming Mr Morfee!!!

[Bull Bar Cowboy]

Excellent James ................................ :lol:

I have just shamlessly pinched this from another off road forum ...................

I heard this story and thought I would pass it along.

I was in Tesco's buying a large bag of biscuits for my dog and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog …Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The biscuit Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. I’d lost 4 stone before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with the biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you were hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no … I’d been sitting in the street licking my ar$e when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Ian

[Adrian Turner]

PMSL that was funny

[reads90]

Great made me laugh as i got to work

I have heard the first one about a dealer and range rover customer. Can't rember it all but somthing like

customer ,Front dif leaking oil rear diff ok

Mechanic, Front diff ok rear diff out of oil

Customer, Hand brake not working

Mechanic, And !?

Engine missing

after short search engine found under bonnet

and then the rest pretty much the same as the flying one

[sheeppimp]

marvellous, cheered me up after the last 36hrs without power. I think this is one of my favourites, transcript of actual conversation between Canadian Coastguard © and US NAval Ship (A) -

C - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

A - recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

C - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

A - This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course

C - Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

A - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

C - we're a lighthouse. Your call

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

But.....

I have to admit...........

Nige

[Andy]

brillaint those cracked me up. is it too unPC to admit i thought the 'becuase you lost the war' one was best?

[Shaun D]

They were all funny (even the ones I've heard before).

BUT the one about the dog biscuit diet, my guts still hurt and I've tears running down my face! that was funny!

Shaun

[bishbosh]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wot he said!^^^^^^^^^^^^^

PMSL!

[missingsid]

Like em.

This ones personal.

My Dad was a military Air Traffic Controller, the local flting club gave all the local RAF officers a free social membership so we used to go there on Sunday lunchtimes.

One Sunday my dad was the bar with a friend and overheard two light aircraft pilots talking about their route to France.

As they talked my dad heard something that worried him and went up to their table.

"Excuse me I just overheard your conversation, and I sorry but I have to tell you that you can't take your proposed route"

Pilot "I'm sorry but who the f£$k are you? I am a qualified pilot and I choose where and when I fly so why don't you f$£k o%f"

Dad " Well you might be a qualified pilot but you still can't fly that route"

Pilot "Oh and please tell me why the f^%k not?"

Dad "Mainly because your flightplan takes you straight across Heathrow Airport"

Frightenly light aircraft pilots did not need to submit a flightplan

[Paul Wightman]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

But.....

I have to admit...........

Nige

Bu&&er the off topic rules, even Land Rover owners are entitled to have a laugh some times!

[pugwash]

marvellous, cheered me up after the last 36hrs without power. I think this is one of my favourites, transcript of actual conversation between Canadian Coastguard © and US NAval Ship (A) -

C - we're a lighthouse. Your call

PMSL

unforunately the one above is an urban myth- i really wish it wasn't though.

[LR90]

Got the video somewhere, very funny.

[TJ101]

On Ian's subject of Diets, one I saw elsewhere, well I thought it was funny !!!

The ultimate weightloss programme

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss

program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before

him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but

a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She

introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,

huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with

her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same

thing happens. On the fifth

day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.

As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in

excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he

does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for

the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight,

on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost

another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the

7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our

most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt

this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he

finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there, wearing nothing

but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm

Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[LR90]

marvellous, cheered me up after the last 36hrs without power. I think this is one of my favourites, transcript of actual conversation between Canadian Coastguard © and US NAval Ship (A) -

C - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

A - recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

C - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

A - This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course

C - Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

A - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

C - we're a lighthouse. Your call

Found the video....

[siearl]

Very Very FUnny

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

Courtesy of John White, thought I'd post it up PMSL

This is (apparently) a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,

"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why, .. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car once again and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.