JeffR Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 So begins yet another tale of woe... SWMBO got me out of bed at stupid o'clock this morning to begin the great garage tidy (long long long overdue), so crawls out of the pit goes to get a coffee kickstart and low and behold one of the kittens has been exploring and the coffee jar is in a million bits, and we've run out of sugar and the milk has turned to cottage cheese, still, there's nowt like coffee and ground glass to start the day (hang on, I hope it was the kitten, must check weather life insurance is still valid, SWMBO has been acting strangely...) Never mind I digress. Seriously considers going back to bed. Vetoed big time by SWMBO. Looks for garage keys, they're gone, disappeared, exited stage left, etc etc etc. "That's that fcuked" thinks I, grinning like the Cheshire cat . WRONG, they've taken up residence in that alternative dimension called the wiles hand bag (hand bag my hairy blonde posterior, it's like the bloody Tardis , there's all sorts in there - safe car keys - now I know where the buggers went- sweets, and well, stuff. If you think the cubby box gets full of stuff, have a root round in the wives handbag sometime....) Any way goes to open garage and the bloody locks are frozen (it was cold last night). WD40 - it's in the bloody garage ain't it. Hot water and anglo saxon eventually does the job. Spends a pleasant hour or so moving stuff about, as you do, and fills a couple of bin bags with rubbish. Then she decides that she desperately needs to go buy something for lunch. Finds car keys and goes outside, "mmmmmm, wonder who's that wee kitten is half way up the ash tree? Oh fcuk, it's one of ours" 40 minutes later, minus about 30square metres of skin, one very un-repentant moggie minor is toasting in front of the fire... Starts defrosting the car windows, goes to open doors and there's an ominous click, central locking is having a hissy fit. Never mind can still get in using the key, well sort of. The drivers door lock has been getting progressively harder to unlock (really should have done those bloody springs last summer) Bugger it, uses the passenger door instead. Puts key in ignition, and nowt happens, no idiot lights, nothing. Takes key out, puts it back in and, still nowt, nada, bugger all. the electricity has all escaped. Where? It was fine half an hour or so ago, It was fine yesterday, loads of electricity. Tries to open bonnet........... and the cable pulls out of/off the bloody handle FOR THE LOVE OF FCUKIN GOD... Pliers, need pliers, can't find any, swears a lot. Uses wee things I find in fishing tackle box (man that box really stinks, think there's squid been left in there from last fishing trip.....) and opens bonnet. Puts multi meter on battery and there's loads of electricity in there, fcukin shed loads. Earth terminal wiggles a bit, so that gets tightened, tries ignition. NOWT. To cut a long story short the earth lead from the battery has broken internally (WTF!!!!!!), got a spare, sort of. Puts it on and Hurrah we now have electricity going where it should. We're in business. Off we go to Hexham, well almost. 10 miles down the road the windows have misted up - heater blower works, mainly when you don't want it to..., but hey, sh!t happens, should have replaced the sliding switch thingy a couple o months ago, but didn't seem urgent like, and besides life is far too short to be takin the dash out of a Disco to replace £30's worth of switch.... Opens window.... Electric window motor purrs away, window stays put, gives the window a tap, and the bar steward drops into the fcukin door. BUGGER Turns round and goes home, dejected like. SWMBO has serious hissy fit. Kids complain about malnutrition, kittens climb curtains, oh and Gustavius , one of the pet rats is somewhat immobile, well actually he's snuffed it. Numerous kids burst into tears, I go to remove said former rodent and his 3 brothers go into attack mode . Get welding gloves, put iodine on lacerations, and bury rodent with great dignity and genuine sorrow. By now it's 14.00 hrs and the light is fading and the temperature is dropping and the window is still stuck in the door and the garage is still a disaster zone and the kids are still hungry, kinda peckish myself. SWMBO gets train to Hexham (she is a seriously unhappy bunny - note to oneself, check coffee for broken glass, now convinced of kittens innocence.....). Now about 18 month/2 year ago I had the same problem and well, kinda bodged a temporary repair (part no. MUC2322 was out of stock at the time). Bloody knew I should have done it properly. Sets about taking the door apart. Strips the allen screw that holds the pull handle to the door, FFS, Hammers in suitable Torx bit which promptly shatters leaving a very hard bit of metal preventing me from removing a stainless M6 cap head.. Loses temper and batters the living bejesus our of door pull handle with a lump hammer and drift. That worked. Felt good too. Gets door handle, radio speaker and all the associated gubbins off and removes door card, all the little plastic trim clips pull out of the door card. Par for the course really. Never mind, takes time out to chill (literally and figuratively as the air temp is hovering around zero). Tries to push said jammed window up and it wouldn't budge. It's jammed tighter than a tight thing. Gonna need a bit of persuasion methinks. Can't get a lever in, but hey, there's a rust hole in the bottom of the door, if I enlarge it a bit, a bit of scrap wood will fit, a gentle tap with a mallet and hey presto the window will move and I will be able to put back in it's channel. So the theory went. Enlarging the rust hole was somewhat easier than expected. Well lets be honest here, the paint on the bottom of the door was, well, structural. Now had a hole big enough to crawl thro (must get down to Somerset to pick up second hand doors from a mate). Still, it was progress.... Finds suitable bit of wood and gently taps with mallet. Still stuck. Slightly less gentle tap Still stuck Disposes of mallet and gets hammer. tap Tap TAp TAP FCUKIN TAP Window moves, sadly it moves as approximately 100,000 small rectilinear bits........ At least the rust hole means I won't get loads of irritating rattles from the bits of former drivers window. So as I sit here penning this tale of woe and emptying a bottle of Port whilst contemplating a night on the sofa, again, the moral of the story is: COMPLETELY IGNORE THE ADAGE "WHY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN DO TOMORROW" JUST DO THE BUGGER TODAY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elbekko Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I admire your patience Jeff, I think I would've sat crying in a corner halfway through that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverik Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 hehe oh dear,made me more than chuckle... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil3728 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Made my day that, thanks for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 I admire your patience Jeff, I think I would've sat crying in a corner halfway through that... I deliberately left that bit out, street cred and all that.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigelw Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I wish I could be a fly on your wall at these very appropriate times Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickeyw Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Oh dear Jeff, not a good day for you, but most entertaining for us, as we have grown to expect. It always amazes me how little you can get done in a day, yet how much can go wrong in the same length of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soren Frimodt Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 haha so good, so good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete3000 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 can sympathise with that one, went to defrost the newish 2007 vw yesterday morning, to find the fan didn't work at all. Fuse I thought, so opened the boot to get a screwdriver to open one of 4 or 5 fuse boxes, only to find the boot wheel well swimming with an entire bottle of undiluted screenwash. All the fuses were good so used the heated screen to clear the frost, and go shopping. Got back and started fault finding/drying out. Several hours and scraped knuckles later the motor/ controller behind the glovebox has packed in and a new one is £200 and the car isn't much use until i get the bits. Have a beer or three Jeff, I'm sure there are better days ahead Pete Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hybrid_From_Hell Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Pmsl......sounds so familiar.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 As I pen the final instalment of this sorry tale of woe, I sit here a broken, dejected, depressed man; having lost 5 hours of my life, and at my age, that's a big loss. 5 BLOODY HOURS 5 BLOODY HOURS TO CHANGE £23'S WORTH OF BITS OF METAL AND RUBBER The sun is rapidly slipping below the horizon, darkness is almost upon us and I've still got to put the fcukin door back together. The bottle of port is empty, as is the bottle of Shiraz and the bottle of whatever that donkey next door.... The sofa was uncomfortable and I've soaked my baccy and papers in WD40. Sorry children, but I digress. Again. Part numbers MUC2322 and ALR8990 arrived in a fcuk off great big box (seriously, they arrived in a box that was two foot by one foot - I nearly sh!t - WTF had I ordered in my inebriated state?), but no upon unpacking it was the necessary bits. Made, and I use the term very loosely, by....... yup BRITPART. I began to get seriously worried at this point... So after very thorough inspection, they were the correct parts, and looked rather well made, mmmmmmmmmm. So to fit them. Looks easy, put glazing rubber in window channel and attach to newly acquired drivers door window. Piece of proverbial. Except , how do you get the window into the door? Certainly cannot go in from the bottom, no matter how fcukin big the rust hole is. Some daft sod put the door frame at the top so it won't go in that way. Makes a few phone calls, general consensus seems to be the easy way is to take the door frame off and drop the window in that way. BUGGER Inspects the orange screws that hold the door frame to the door and, well thats a none starter, the visible corrosion suggests sheared bolts/captive nuts becoming un-captive and a shed load of complete buggeration, pain and blood loss. Retires into a bottle the kitchen to contemplate The dark clouds of temper,dejection are looming on the horizon like the onset of a monsoon. Then a flash of inspiration (actually it could have been the Shiraz, but hey, who's to argue) The door is goosed, knackered and rusty. It will need replaced sooner rather than later. The window sans channel is only 4mm thick, in the immortal words of Baldrick "I have a cunning plan....". So heres how I did it, I cut a slot in the bottom of the door, well lets be honest, I joined few rust holes together, whipped the channel off the bottom of the window and shoved the bloody thing in that way. Then welded a strip of slightly less rusty metal in place to close the slot. Then the fun starts getting the window into the channel, it's a bloody tight fit. After an hour or so of covering everything with WD40/washing up liquid/copper grease and anything else that I could find that was slippery, I gave up . There is simply no fcukin way to get that person I'm not that keen on of a window into the channel. You can't lever it, tw@tting it with a lump hammer and a block of wood, being gentle, nowt bloody worked. And theres a hell of a lot sharp/pointy things inside Disco doors By now the back garden looks like the Exxon Valdiz has been parked there, everything, trees, grass, inside the door, window,baccy, papers, pheasants the whole sh!t heap is covered in greasy slippery stuff, was like ice skating. And i'm covered in elastoplasts, which, incidentally do not stick to skin covered in WD40 etc, oh and if you use brake cleaner to degrease your hand, take my word for it, it's gonna hurt, a lot. Bad temper wins the day, removes MUC2322 and widens the gap where the window goes... Using a block of wood inside the door and a bottle jack between the top of the window and the window frame, the bar steward was finally persuaded to fit. Success I hear you cry in unison B0ll0cks Warped the top of the bloody door frame by a good 20mm.... Easy fix with a lump hammer. Never mind tries the window, it only goes half way up before jamming, @£$%^@£$% Why? cos part no MUC ****in 2322 has to fit in a certain place (as close to the rear of the door as it will go) on said bloody window or it fouls the winder motor. Thinks I, will just tap it along, gentle like, until it's in the correct place. Well that's bloody non starter aint it. Took a 3 tonne bottle jack to get the bar steward on in the first place. 20 minutes of beating the channel with a lump hammer, a piece of wood (didn't work), a piece of lead pipe (also didn't work) and finally an iron bar (glass is a lot stronger than you think....) and the bloody thing was off. Out with the bottle jack etc , lot of bad language later it was back in the correct place. Then the window lift motor let all the electricity out as blue smoke with the window 2/3rds closed. Honest to God I fcukin give in, admit defeat, had enough, don't want to play, run out of toys to throw out of the pram.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robertspark Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Hahahaha..... please no more!!! My insides hurt! Do you need a hand? Surely this is one of those moments that there is a nearby enthusiast (trust me you've got to be an enthusiast (or nuts) not to give up all together after all that!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted January 15, 2014 Author Share Posted January 15, 2014 Managed to cannibalise a motor from another mate and twas fitted about 10pm this evening. Window now closes!!!!!!! NUTS is a very apt description Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill van snorkle Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I would PMSL Jeff, but then I think that could all very well be happening to me. My RRC clutch saga has cost me several days that I will never get back. Time for me to go over to the 'dark side' me thinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axlechorus Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Perhaps it would have been quicker to source a spare door from a breakers, maybe the pain from swmbo about it not matching would've been less than you have experienced so far? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigelw Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 :o :o :o Bill how could you!!!!! Go and wash your mouth out with soap this instant :angry2: Glad you are not into inventing new "tools" to put in your workshop Jeff or we really would be worried Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 Perhaps it would have been quicker to source a spare door from a breakers, maybe the pain from swmbo about it not matching would've been less than you have experienced so far? Got doors somewhere in deepest darkest Somerset, besides she gets really worried when I suggest taking the damn thing off the road "for a short while" as the last short while took about 6 months. She also mentioned something about having 4 vehicles in the family and only 1 is sorta roadworthy.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 I would PMSL Jeff, but then I think that could all very well be happening to me. My RRC clutch saga has cost me several days that I will never get back. Time for me to go over to the 'dark side' me thinks. Nahh don't do it, life's simply too short to make it boring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill van snorkle Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Nahh don't do it, life's simply too short to make it boring. 'Land Rover', Giving new meaning to the term Off Road Vehicle. Being stuck at home with an immobile or defective truck can get quite boring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 'Land Rover', Giving new meaning to the term Off Road Vehicle. Being stuck at home with an immobile or defective truck can get quite boring. Never boring - frustrating, irritating, bloody annoying, sometimes amusing, but never boring! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snagger Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Pmsl......sounds so familiar.... Not to you, it doesn't - he didn't mention a trip to A&E anywhere! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reiny Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Jefffff, you made me p*ss myself again! Just a gentle reminder regarding your darwin awards updates Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reggie Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Well........I thought I was having a bad day with the misses wanting me to fook off & all ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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