JeffR Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Well it's nearly half three in the morning and I've just crawled out from underneath my bloody land rover, again,. In September, cos the weather was kinda nice, I replaced the body cappings and thought "wheel arch boxes are looking tatty and got more than a few holes in em, lets fettle them as well", so I did. And I rebuilt the battery box which the previous owners had put in the nearside wheel arch box. Then I removed the carpets and found more bloody holes, so rebuilt the entire floor, that's top hat sections, floor,seat belt mounts, the whole kit and caboodle.Proper job, well nearly. Fitted the floor plate with lots of isolated button head screws, and fifty or so pop rivets and two tubes of Tiger seal. Buggers not coming out in a hurry, I can tell you. Whilst it was all out even painted bits of chassis that hadn't seen daylight since the vehicle left the assembly line. Happy as a sand boy. Then I couldn't find the chuck key for the power drill, or the dinky little quarter drive ratchet that I'm kinda emotionally attached to.... Turns garage and tool chests upside down and inside out, but the buggers is gone. Wife suggests that I have put them somewhere safe, gets a gobfull. Spends night in spare bedroom. Gets up feeling refreshed and confident and full of busy. Still can't find chuck key or ratchet, have nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I may have done something very silly and produced a heart attack inspiring rattle from the back of my landrover. Spends another day removing the bloody floor - for the love of God but Tiger seal is f*ckin hard to split. The nice new floor pan is looking very second hand when I get it out, and yes I did find the chuck key and ratchet nestling in the middle of the centre top hat section. Throws floor pan into the woods behind the house and sulks for a day or two. Looks at bank balance and recovers floor pan from woods behind the house. Two days of panel beating and it was almost ready to refit. Got really bored and moved onto the next job. Then I refitted the swingaway and the new door. Now the door was still covered in plack primer (see previous posts) so flats it back primes it, removes a few dead flies and gives it its first top coat. Went more wrinkly than you could imagine. Strips it all off and starts again. After two top coats it was looking good, very good. i'm chuffed to bits. Gives it one more coat and leaves it overnight, forgot to switch the bloody garage light off didn't I. Next morning door has somewhere in the region of 2000 dead Psychodid flies stuck IN the bloody paint. Now that type of fly has lots of scales on its wings which drop off when yopu kill em (the entomologist in me is coming out now....). my formally pristine Alpine White door now looks like it has a severe dose of measles combined with smallpox and chicken pox. I am a seriously unhappy bunny. Tries flatting it back, but these little buggers just will not sand out. Strips door back to bare metal and starts again. tries to fit the NEW door card i had lying round in the attic, no bloody way will it fit without putting the old round wiper motor back on, but as that needs rewiring.... Bugger it. We'll live without a door card for a while. Moves on to the next job. A nice pallet of bits had just arrived, new exhaust manifolds down pipes and y piece (and an entire transmission). So I thought lets do the exhaust as the old manifolds were cracked and sounded a little bit like a Hurricane taking off..... Now tubular manifolds are a first class barsteward to get on and off. And the exhaust wrap itches like a bugger. And the stainless steel cable ties are actually razor blades in disguise. Never mind got the buggers off to find that the nice aluminium 3/8th UNC threads were still firmly attached to a couple of manifold bolts. Buys Helicoil kit. Now a useless bit of info for you all, no matter how hard you bloody try you CANNOT get a power drill to fit between the body work and the exhaust manifold bolt holes. Honest. But you can get a tap wrench in. So there it is children, with a lot of patience you can drill out stripped threads with a tap wrench. You won't get the bloody hole square, but what the hell. Saves having to take the head off. and the attendant buggerance that goes with that process. Fits helicoils. Now the fact that two manifold bolt holes are , well, kinda scew wiff is a wee bit of a problem when it comes to putting the new manifolds on cos the holes thro which the bolts go are now, technically, too small.... Easy buy a larger diameter cobalt drill and make the holes bigger. That worked. Now clamping down the manifolds with scew wiff bolts is actually not that much of a problem if you make up matching scew wiff washers..... Never mind another two days lost unbuggering up a buggered up job. But for the first time ever there were absolutely no leaks from the manifold or system. I'd forgot just how genuinely quiet a V8 is at tick over, apart from the ominous squeek coming from the water pump... Which turned out to be a slipping fan belt. Breathes huge sigh of relief and retires to the pub. Next day the bloody thing will not start, nothing, nada, sweet FA. Engine turns over at a vast rate of knots but there ain't no electrickery getting to the spark plugs. I'm about fit to bust at this point so does some real work. Next day has another go and the bloody thing starts first turn of the key.....then dies. Checks all the connections, new dizzy cap and rotor arm (I have a lot of them as spares, don't ask why...) . Still bugger all electrickery. Tries old coil that lives in the cubby box and the engine fires but runs as rough as a badgers bum. Thats why the coil was in the cubby box. Buys new coil. Fits new coil, car still wont bloody start. Starts hunting around for a gallon of petrol and a box of matches.... Wife takes matches and fag lighters off me and gives me a couple of bottles of electric soup to cheer me up. That works. Sleeps off the effects and its dark when I wake up. Goes outside and tries to start the wretched machine; all I could see in the engine bay were sparks flying every where AHHH theres a short somewhere thinks I. Turned out to be a broken insulated Lucas connector on the amplifier pack, mind you it killed the amplifier pack and coil, but I had a spares of them. result was a sweet sounding, smooth running engine. Job done, I'm back to being a moderatley happy bunny. Next job on the list was to fit the transfer box/overdrive/R380 thatwere lying on a pallet in the garden (getting really tired of landrovers and have work coming out of my ears, oh and the MOTs expired). Removes seat box and floor pans , puts trolley jack underneath takes the weight and starts unbolting things. Hey, it went as easy as it could possibly go. Every nut undid as it should, this is gonna be doddle. Well they say pride comes before a fall. And it does. I kinda forgot to remove the exhaust I'd just fitted. The trolley jack crapped out and the trans hit the exhaust y piece and totalled it, along with my patience. Bought a new y piece. And gave up in disgust. So at 8am yesterday I started putting the old trans back in, why? Because the bloody thing will not come out from underneath the bloody landrover as I forgot to put it on flamin axle stands. By 4pm its was all back together so I started the thing up to turn around so as the rain wasn't soaking me and found I had absolutley no drive whatsof*cking ever. Nothing, zilch, just some horrible noises. Has a cup of coffee and a think. Gets the inspection light out and crawls underneath to find the clutch release bearing lying in the gravel. How the bloody hell I'd knocked that off I honestly do not know. I am now convinced that this bloody vehicle is possessed, either that or the sock pixies have turned nasty. Never mind, drops the lot again (getting good at this removing of transfer boxes and allied carp) and puts the release bearing back in it's proper place and at 3am this morning turned the landrover around in it's parking place. Another two or three days and it should be ready for it's MOT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reiny Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Hahaha this is hilarious! Keep the posts coming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverik Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 oh the tears are streaming down my face, no wonder the Land rover community is so close, considering this has happend to so many of us... but we always go back to it, we always get a stupid grin on our faces when on the 8th time of re-fitting the 3rd starter motor it finally turns over... even though to get that one job fixed you've made 5 new jobs to do and found 10 other jobs that need looking at... I have come to the conclusion its a psychological problem that is only slightly better than a crack coccain habbit or the overwhelming urge to start drinking vodka whisky mixers at 8 in the morning... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disco_al Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 the overwhelming urge to start drinking vodka whisky mixers at 8 in the morning... lightweight - we start at 6 round here....... :moglite: we've all been there - stripped it refitted it, bugger, it doesn't work, take it back off, substitute a "spare" one from the garage/shed/pile of bits in garden, still doesn't work - then the inevitable eureka moment as you realis it was a broken one you left outside......... where's the fun in having something that you can fix once and not worry about again for another 60k miles.......all part of the fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tacr2man Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Very amusing , but I think you need to sit down and read it to yourself, as you seem to be the problem not the landrover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FridgeFreezer Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Thanks for that Jeff - My evening doesn't seem so bad now, spent folded in half upside-down in the cold & dark driver's footwell of a Seat Ibiza trying to replace the accelerator pedal which seems to be put in before all the trim, wiring, other pedals, fusebox, etc. bl**dy small girly cars Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutley Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Know exactly how you feel....I have two 12g shotguns and a Defender!....Every time i do any work on the Land Rover the wife hides the keys to the gun cabinet!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UdderlyOffroad Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Had a good laugh at that one too! We’ve all been there... I know this may sound a bit anal – but I’ve found a great way to find calm after a why-won’t-it-flamming-work, toys out of pram moment, is to literally place toys back in pram, i.e. tidy up garage/work area. The act of tidying up is done almost on autopilot, which allows you to think about what went wrong, why it’s not working etc, whilst keeping the hands busy. I’ve found this will lead to far more ‘Eureka’ moments than retiring for a cuppa/beer/something stronger! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverik Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Had a good laugh at that one too! We’ve all been there... I know this may sound a bit anal – but I’ve found a great way to find calm after a why-won’t-it-flamming-work, toys out of pram moment, is to literally place toys back in pram, i.e. tidy up garage/work area. The act of tidying up is done almost on autopilot, which allows you to think about what went wrong, why it’s not working etc, whilst keeping the hands busy. I’ve found this will lead to far more ‘Eureka’ moments than retiring for a cuppa/beer/something stronger! A random part thrown into the garden works just as well.... - mind that only works as its a field and I can go find it again after I've counted to 10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverik Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 By the way MODS this is a technical thread on ways and means of how to deal with land rover maintenance related stress... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 it gets worse, after a couple of hours sleep I renewed all the tail light earths (sorting out future probles, ha, proactive maintenance), switches lights on and yes you've guessed it no offside brake or tail light. An hour and a half with the trusty multimeter tells me there is nothing bloody wrong. Continuity test says both bulb filaments are intact, got voltage at contacts everyting is fine except the light don't bloody work. Wife suggests I try a new bulb, I quickly veto that as the bulb that is in is new. She nags me into submission. Finds old bulb in tool box and it bloody works. It looks like the filaments in the other bulb are broken but not when the bulb is cold (ie off) it is making contact, but as soon as current passes thro the filament expands and breaks contact!!!!!!!!! I tell you, you couldn't make this up if you tried, this vehicle hates me with a bloody passion and just to add insult to injury there are three Blue Tits using it a night time roost and they've crapped all over the seats and dashboard and eaten all the spiders ........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samtope Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Very amusing , but I think you need to sit down and read it to yourself, as you seem to be the problem not the landrover Jeff I think your wife is on here, under the login of tacr2man...! I had many similar grievances during the rebuild of my series, one in particular being the removal of the N/S wing. I did some quick research online to see if there was anything likely to catch me out, I came across a guy who said "its simple spanner work, a thirty minuite job if you stop for a cuppa half way through". I would dearly love to find that man and punch him square in the face. Agree with the tip to tidy up the tools when things are going wrong though and it means you're quick on the draw when you figure it out. Best of luck with that MOT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorrick Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Very Good Jeff, As everyone says we’ve all done it and had simmer experiences, but talking about wives! how is it that I run a mechanical business and as I and probably most of you out there will be technically minded ( we have to be as we do own Landys) will try anything , I can spend ages working on a plumbing/wiring problem and having a hard time fitting something at home, then the dear wife comes out and says why don’t you do it like that (something you have tried for the last half hour) before dissapearing down the town shopping with a girlfriend before having lunch at a little Bistro they found, leaving you upside down with your feet over a headrest then as Samtope says you give up trying to explain why it won’t or doesn’t work as you can see this conversation is going straight through one side and coming out the other, so you give in and hey presto it works first time. My wife is now a qualified Plumber/ Electrician/carpenter/plasterer and mechanic. The two of us (I) are building an extension, 2 years in (you can’t rush these things) You wait next water leak or light refit or problem with her car I will ask her to do it and ill watch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Normally the missus flatly refuses point blank to give me a hand doing anything with the landrover as she lacks the ability to understand that the very bad language that issues is aimed at the vehicle, not the assistant! Oh and she has the mechanical sympathy of a rock ape on acid. My pet hate is that she cannot get her head around how the choke works. She refuses to accept that, yes, you start the vehicle on full choke , let it tick over for a moment or two then slowly push the choke back in till you find the sweet spot. Nope its all or nothing, you can tell when shes using the laenveloped in a cloud of black smoke, I mean the economy of a V8 ain't good at the best of times.... The local traffic plod told me one night in the pub that he could follow her in his volvo and use the echaust fumes from the V8 as a fuel source! But then she redeems herself with a flash of inspiration, what can you do , thats why I am convinced that all landrovers are of the female gender!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorrick Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 When I worked for the RAC in the 80's we had a call out to a lady with a brand new Mini (old style small to anyone under 20) that would not drive properly and it was smoking badly on A11, turned out the choke knob was pulled out and the lady had her hand bag hung on it, when the patrol sorted it all out and told the lady about the use of the choke, she said "but then where do I hang my Handbag) I wont tell you about the woman walking up the hard shoulder on the M11in her dressingown at 11.30 pm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Maverik, you are forgetting that at least you can get NHS therapy for drug and alcohol abuse..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C18RCH Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I love 30 min jobs. Like removing a propshaft. It's only 8 bolts, how difficult could it be After 4 hours (by which time it was dark and I was working outside) gently chiselling the rusted solid nuts off I couldn't be bothered fitting the new bearing kit so drove it around in rear wheel drive mode for a couple of days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Now the bloody rear lights, in general, are having a serious hissy fit!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disco_al Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Blue Tits using it a night time roost and they've crapped all over the seats and dashboard and eaten all the spiders ........... there's your problem, the tits have eaten all your LR spiders, and now it's throwing a major paddy - get rid of em and entice some fresh ones back in, if need be order a pack of ten so you've got some spares..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Landrover only sell them in packs of 3000 and they cannot split a pack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CwazyWabbit Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I'll lend you a couple of mine if you like? Leave some wine and chocolates out for them and I'm sure they'll repopulate your Land Rover.... just look after them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 If any more wildlife (excluding wife and kids) takes up residence, I'm thinking of getting it designated as a Site of Special Scientific Interest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SS1 Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 Priceless Jeff,,absolutely priceless,,please keep it coming Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 I would honestly prefer NOT to keep it coming, but this vehicle and I are at odds with each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffR Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Finally sorted out the rear light hissy fit! Only took 4 days.... What was it I hear you all cry? Easy, when drilling a new hole for the earth, I'd drilled through the wiring loom...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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