Jump to content

Scampi, Waxoyled cats, & the Pulley

Bull Bar Cowboy

Recommended Posts

On June the 21st 2003 a certain ‘Hybrid From Hell’ posted a new thread called ……………Yes I am a Pratt ….. Have you ever been................ this was the start of a 'real life' series

This was the post text (including all the spelling mistakes)…………… these were probably the funniest posts ever on any of the UK LR forums……………I have reposted this for the benefit of some of the newer members and also our overseas members ………. I promised Erik (Deepmud) that I would dig it out , but linking to the originals was difficult. Here it all is in 4 almost consecutive posts………..

Enjoy …………………………………….. :hysterical:

Somtimes I amaze myself, my excuse is that I have been working on the L/R from 6.00am this morning - without a break, finishing off the change over of both front and rear axles....at about 7.20PM

This means I gain Discs all round, and my heavily strengthened casings, and ARBs etc etc etc,....

Piggy of a job, lots of faffing about, making things, altering thing and generally a horrible amount of work....but at 7.30PM a celebratory "Bud" was cracked as it sat back on all 4 (Alloys) just needing the brakes bleeding......

I SHOULD have listened to my Brain (what is left of it) which said

"Well done Nigel, great job done, lot of work, why not celebrate with a nice takeawy, after a good long bath, and a few beers, then, refreshed and happy you can get up tommoroow and blled the brakes"

B*llocks to that I'm having a pedal out of this bl**dy thing tonight and thats final.......

"Friend" also turns up, so he positions himself in drivers seat with bottle of Fliud and instructions...

Nip 1, furthest away...

"ok here we go, up down up down, up down up down up down....Lovely jobbly "

nexy nip, "up down up down, up down up down up down up down up down, up down up down up down yep LOVELY"

3rd nip...."up down up down, up down up down up down up down up down, up down up down up down yep LOVELY"

4th Nip, "up down up down, up down up down up down up down up down, up down up down up down ......"

Nothing absolutely sod all.......

"Niples Blocked" says friend "Get out and change it for another one"

"B*llocks says I ..I've been up over under around on top underneath this bl**dy thing too many times today - I'm too knackered"

"Ok " he says "I've got an idea"

"Yeah go on then"

" Let me really pump up the pressure stand hard on the pedal and you then open the nip up - job done"

Now, I REALLY should have known how this was going to end, but I just seem to sometimes never to learn.....


Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump...



"Hang on I'll try harder...."

Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump...



"I've got another Idea"

"Yeh .........go on,"

"Look, I'll pump, and you also suck the end of the tube"

Yes, I know, but it really did seem a good idea at the time....


Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump...SUCK



"Again and harder"

Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump... SUCK SUCK SUCK .....


"I've got another idea"

"......Go On.........."

"Same as before, I'll pump, you suck, but shove a bit of welding wire up inside the tube and jiggle it at the same time"


Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump...JIGGLE JIGGLE SUCK....

Now, not a great suprise (was to me at the time) but it freed off, not only did it free off but it did it in such a spectacular fashion as to force the wire to almost spear my tonsils, but they were washed over by the large amounts of brake fliud, and finished off so nicely with a large lump of gawd knows what which hit the back of my throat making me gag

- Big Time...

All I could hear upstairs" was absolute hysterics, oh yes so funny, I also unfortuately was so suprised at the time(gawd knows why) by the resultant explosion in my throat / mouth / that I jumped, smacking my head against the chassis and shin against I have no idea what but it still hurts....

Somehow gagging I got out, have no worries those of you thinking about the dangers of brake fliud ingestion, as my hastlity eaten "Scampi and Chips" (a great waste of £3.50)and Celbratory 'Bud' greeted me as I came out from underneath the L/R, making me bang my head on the open drivers door just for completeness of the moment......

My "Friend" had by this time reached the "I am laughing so hard I can't really breathe properly anymore stage", so to help him take his mind of it I gave him a dead arm,.... between "Scampi and Bud" moments....

Having almost got my digestive tract under control "friend" had now decided to point finger at me with dribble coming out of his mouth mouth between gasps for breath, so gave him a dead leg, and some of the final retches of the "Scampi" moments.....

Frankly even now I am just amazed I fell for all that, sometimes I just KNOW I am a prat, and sometimes I am told I am a being pratt, but amazingly sometimes I just seem blind to the almost certaintly that a cause of action is going to seriously hurt me....

Just wondering who else who has a brain is intellegent just has those moments and does those "Stupid" things that should have been obvious to anyone sane as to how they were going to end up....am I alone...?


1) have ordered a Takeaway (hungry still for some odd reason)

2)Great brake pedal :-}




  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Then on November the 20th 2003 came the thread of all time ……… called B********g Coming my way……….Pratt Moment No2 ………….

Unfortunately I know that the Cat has now passed on, but he lived to a good age and certainly never went rusty ……………….. Nige now has two to spray ……..

Enjoy…………………………. :hysterical:

One of my Pratt moments ?, or just “unlucky”

The winch event I’m organising looms close, very close, Sunday to be precise, and I have been burning the midnight oil to get things sorted on the 90 V8 as I am COC….

The new 12,000 Hydraulic Winch is working (a tale in itself) he cage is 90% done (all the inside tight to the bodywork done as per ealier post), radio is in (ta Jon), ARB lockers work, cubby box fitted (CB Going in it), and loads of other work has been done……..


I really wanted to get some of this into the chassis before I started using it, so tonight was planned to be the night for waxoiling the inside of the chassis….

I had gone to halfords and bought 2 gallons, and knocked off work early…

I also had the real benefit of Sue (SWMBO) was out tonight, so I had since 3.00pm been shoving the 2 gallon cans into the sink with near boling water…….

I should have known things were going to go “slightly wrong” when I started….

I decided to use Jons Waxoil gun, and my compressor, I had the propane burner on in the workshop since 3.,00pm flat out and it was like the sahara, in fact it was so hot I decided a T shirt and shorts was the dress code………

Grabbing some white spirit to further thin the waxoil I entered the kitchen and unscrewed the waxoil lid…

Thhhhuuuumpppppppp !…grwat big snotty big dollop spewed out over the kitchen worksurface........, no probs I thought, ...I’ll sort that out when I’ve finished, as I might make "a little bit more mess yet", .....glad Sues not in….

Clutching bloody hot waxoil injector thingy, part filled with waxoil and mixed with very very warm white spirit I squirted and soaked the chassis blasting away, and also practising holding my breath .....as it went misty in the workshop….

1 Gallon later I was nearly there, I was at the rear cross member, with yet another huge refill…….

I ought to point out that I had also decided that at some of the angles I was at pulling and holding the trigger was a pain in the Ar&e...( I have a really bad back) so I had devised a cunning lock of an elastic band on the trigger so that I could let it do it things whilst it sprayed away……

Shove tube into hole and pull trigger….lock and waggle etc…

Enter my wifes love of her life…..

The cat….

It sat there and looked at me the way only a cat can….it sniffed (unapprovingly) the dripped waxoil, and I said…

“Huh, you don’t want to be in here matey, this stuff will stick to your fur like sh*t to a blanket”……and at that very point the jammed on tube extension came off the gun…

Could I release the elastic band round the trigger ?…

Could I Boll*cks….

The gun squirted warm waxoil / white spirit out at a force never so far experienced, one particularly good jet hit the cat, who bolted, knocking over the 2/3 empty (1/3 full) can of hot waxoil / white spirt mix, which flowed oh so well under the landy, and into my clothes T shirt and clothes and skin areas exposed..., but I was still fighting with the hot octopus trying to switch the damned thing off, but I failed, I was saved when it just ran out…..

Just when I thought nothing could get worse than lying under a Land Rover with waxoil soaked clothes, waxoil dripping onto my hair and face, and running into my ears….

Some waxoil drpped onto the lead lamp….



Blackness as it also pinged the fuse for the lighting circuit, getting myself out of the underneath of the landy proved friutfull, in that I knew all the places that waxoil had “leaked” ……

Removing dripping clothes I entered house in “minimal Clothes” to resolve fuse prob, when Lights went on I saw the cat…


Here Puddie cattie……

This did not improve the sink / kitchen area 1 little jot, .....ever tried holding a 'waxoiled cat' in a sink with water and rags, and especially when cat does not enjoy it ?….

1 hour later cat was scrubbed and very piss7d off with me, I’ve had 2 baths, and also cleaned the bath it seems that the bath will not be rusty….scrubbed kitchen fllor, sink, worktop

Will she notice….

Cat stinks, garage sticks, alley way stinks, I stink, kitchen smells of lemon washing up liquid, which strangely we seem to nearly be out of ?….floor stinks……

She will be back any minute…….


Nice job on the Landy tho....... :-)))




  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Then on the 13th April 2006 came the “Dreadfull day “ thread ……………… just reflect a little here ………………. FFS they made this guy a moderator, I guess that tells you something about site admin ….. :ph34r:

Enjoy………………………………….. :hysterical:

Last Sunday,

What a dreadfull day,

Everything that could go wrong did,

It was one of those days when I should have just got back into bed and stayed there, but no not me, I just had to keep hoping (it didn't) that it would get better.

For starters there was the 'Half Awake' grumpy me, being cajoled by SWMBO when I got up to go in the garage to get the meat out for dinner, so, in dressing gown and Sues Flip Flop, I wondered into the workshop, admiring the large pair of battery terminal clamps ......balanced on the milling Machine, ....opposite the fridge.

Rumage rumage where is the blasted meat ...........

"Have you found it yet ?"....

"Eh ?",

... stand up and try to listen to SWMBO thro a wall, .....difficult, .....especially when the finely balanced clamps have just hit the top of the boney bit of my foot, ......and I have just about managed to not scream (7.05am), and hobbled back into the house (with meat) and lump on instep.

Really helpfull, was the "whats happended ?" comment,

followed by the immortal and classic ..

"Well, that was a stupid thing to do, why don't you keep the garage tider then these things would happen to you would they"

yeah thanks, .....well useful and ta for the sympathy.

I thought I'd have a nice bath, break the spell maybe, but no, SWMBFO has had the piggin washing machine on flat out since 6.00, so no hot water,

I found this after running the bath / hot tap / grumbling and then was informed, ...so B****** to that, ....I'll go straight into the garage.

Pick up clamp, about to place on mill, heard SWMBO shouting, stood up, clouted head on mill table (2.75 tons - doesn't "Give" much ), to hear more immortal words of wisdom ....

"Make sure you have you steel boots on incase you hurt yourself more "

....yeah thanks, mutter selection of anglo saxon under breath, try to focus properly , and sit down.

Decided to sort out simple piece of welding, now yesterday (the saturday) had done Jons 90 crossmember, all was well, we even managed to re tap and sort out the welding tip.

Weld weld, slpatter - wot ?.....run out of gas, I have a new full bottle, no, you have an empty bottle, phone mate, yes he is there, go fetch bottle. Return 1 hour later, foot and head still hurting, foot is like in rythum with my head,..... take asprin from bathroom cabinet.

After spending 20 mins cleaning carpet from walking oil in house and getting B*********. return to workshop.

weld weld...... Oh gawd now what ?... wire jammed. Strip rollers clean re assemble, and then stop again.

Replacing the wire liner I "laughed" as to the progress of my day, marvelled when I then got down to welding up mates bracket how much better the welder was, .......and stood stunned when I had it dawned on me that I had welded it so nicely, but erm, back to front......

1 hour+ later, bracket fixed, with mate standing near sniggering.


Nice sarny made by Sue was brought in to cheer me up, looked lovely, she popped it on the work surface, along with coffeee, I finished my job sat down and ate odd tasting sarny.

It dawned on me why when I drank the coffee, the bits from angle grinding had drfited gently over settling on sarny and coffee. Deep Joy.

I decided to get the Pulley off the V8 for a project, nothing could be simpler, with the 23mm socket on I huffed puffed and grunted, it didn't wnat to move, with a 3 foot breaker and me pulling as hard as I could nothing moved.

Oh, apart from my nose, which smacked something whilst under the F 90 when I sneezed hard, I lay dizzy again for 10 minutes listening to mate over the road roaring with laughter cos he came over when I screamed a selection of well known anglo saxon phrases from under the 90...and threw tools out from under it

I phoned mate, by now 'slighty curt' and asked if it "was a F Left hand F Thread or F wot ?"

Laughing he said, no, and would come over Mit big windy gun, and "Whizz it off".

He did, it didn't,

2 hours later with the rad out front end off, and a 18 stone mate with 3 foot bar extension rod and lots of grunts finally it moved, I thought it had sheared but he said "Its Ok"

The heavens now opened, and I got soaked clearing up the tools I'd thrown everywhere.

I'd had a rubdish day, Sue had popped out to see a mte, so I decided to have a nice long relaxing bath, along with a beer or 2.

Into house, up stairs run bath, disrobe, admire 'dents' and 'injuries' of the day, get in bath with beer no 1, just settled, first glug, .....and phone rings.

"F it was one immeadite thought, .......other was could be Sue could be a problem".

Nip downstairs with sod all on,.... answer phone,..... mate wanting something, ......had brief chat, .....placed phone down, back into bath, ..........4th glug phone again FFS

Down stairs again, ....sod all on, ....water dripping everywhere, .....phone stops, 1471 call withheld,

well ******* to them then, nip in lounge, grab portable phone, wave (Embarrased) at neighbour lady person over the road, back in bath.

Now for the silly bit..............

We have a long bath, the tap is a big mixer in the middle of the side, it noramlly has a plastic plug in it, but had been remove to clean off the calcium build up, lying there sore and bruised, fed up and rather p****d off, my lager was placed on the side of the bath, and I relaxed.

I suddenly was aware my finger had got stuck in the tap, I had fiddled with the tap, and now it was jammed, I tried for a couple of minutes to get me finger out, but it was in there.

Thinking that I at least had the phone to call for help (Oh yeah great superb which one of my P***taking mates would be the least stupid to ask), I thought about my options, ......it was just then that the washer in the tap did what all old washers do, l...eaked a bit....

RED hot water,

jump ?...

yeah I would say, very much so, emptying half the friggin contents of the bath, oh yeah my finger did come out, but in the process, I managed to belt my head on the back of the bath, my foot on god knows what, and my elblow against the other side of the bath, oh knocking one larger in the bath, and the other all over the floor.

Decided that "F*** It was the order of the day, got out, cleaned up, went downstairs to cook my nice staeak and found that 'ferel treasure' had already eaten most of it, the rest 'chewy up bit' sat on the floor, along with the remains of the wrapper.

Just F dandy, yippeeeee F doo, ..........and B******* I had had enough

Got another beer sat down and wondered why I had ever not just got back into bed at 7.06 and stayed there.

mentioned the above to JW and Tonk, both PTSL, so enjoy my wonderfull Sundays memories , Jon siad mate (Daryl() saw him in the week and he was PHSL at wot a foul mood I was in when he arrived, thought it even better when Jon told him it got worse.....




  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah yes, I forgot about that one David………………….. :lol:

May 28th 2004 saw ‘another Pratt moment’ thread …………………

I am just glad I live 150miles form this walking nightmare ................... :lol:

Enjoy …………………. :hysterical:


Didn't quite make the half year spot.........

and we're off, not quite up to my "Normal" standards , but told Jon W on the phone today and he was having a great laugh at my expense......

Sitting at home, 'few' beers in me, door bell goes.....

Open door see mate....

VVV fed up .....

clutching VVVVV bent lump of steering rod assembly...

"Nige, er, could do do me a favour Nigel and sort this "....

pokes steering rod up nose.....

On with old workboots, "hahaha steel toe caps for me yer know".... and In to Workshop, drag out anvil,

and hold Steering arm on anvil and hit it with big hammer......

.....Pain shoots up my arm, rod 'bounces'

...and nothing.....


Need a bigger hammer.........

Bigger hammer, hold steering arm, and....hit hard......

OOOOOOOooowwwwwwferkinArrrggghhhh, arm goes numb....

Steering arm the same, still mullered and bent.........

Need a BIGGER hammer........

Get mate to hold steering arm, ...grab FGB (work it out) 30lb Sledge hammer.....and.......

"Okay matey, get a good grip on it 1 - 2 - 3 and....."

.............and "WHACK".....

"Jeeezzzzzzzzzzz Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggh fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffferrrrkk " ...spoke friend

"Nige - Me Firkng arms gone numb you pratt......."

(steering arm still bent.....)


"Ok hold it again and I'll"...

"You can s^d off Nige - me arms tottally numb", goes of in huff to have fag......

I looked at the bent arm thingy, part of my brain (the small 'sensible' bit was saying "just leave it, go indoors say sorry itd had it......... have beer and relax....."

The other part said "Huh, going to be beaten by a little thing like a rod bent are we ?? - PATHETIC you are go on get on with it and help him ".....

Something in my brain was already seeing the way this would end....would I listen, WIF.....

Ok, Plan C,

me hold steering arm on anvil with my size 9 steel toe capped boot, then with the sleadge hammer "BF" out of it until straight -


Arm on anvil, Left foot on end of arm, right arm jamming up against other end in wall...reach and drag over 30 lb sledge [think humm heavy with one handed operation]...and



whack, whack


whack whack whack

Nothing at all

sweat forms, hammer now bit heavier.........

mate arrives back in to watch....

Whack whack whack, whackity bl&&dy WHACK



whack whack WHACK WHACK WHACK......liitle bit moves

whack whack WHACK WHACK WHACK whack whack .....WHACK .......WHACK WHACK WHACK....

pant gasp dripping sweat.....

"Go on Hit it don't tickle it Nige"

whack whack WHACK WHACK WHACK whack whack .....WHACK .......WHACK WHACK whack whack WHACK WHACK WHACK whack whack .....WHACK .......WHACK WHACK WHACK.... WHACK....whack whack WHACK WHACK WHACK whack whack .....WHACK .......WHACK WHACK WHACK....


pant gasp, dripping now, hammer soaked with sweat.....

"I'll have one more go"

there is so much sweat the rods covered, as is anvil, rod, hands slippy....

whack whack WHACK WHACK WHACK whack whack .....WHACK .......WHACK WHACK



Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaH !

30 lbs one handed sledge hammer had missed by about 3 inches, and had landed on the front of the toe cap holding rod down....

mate collapses laughing.....

I just collapse......................

Dropping sledge, I jumped hopped screamed and 'anglosaxoned' my way about the workshop, like a demented morris dancer on one leg.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFerrrrruuuuuuuuhk !

"Are you ok ?"

"No you d^ck I am NOT Bl**dy ok"...

the pain seemingly now had reached a ceiling, I thought I'd get the boot off and have a lookie.....


Boot held on tight as 'steel cap' had dropped, nipping up on my big toe, .....sock was going "Bit Red" and boot jammed on solid ....

"pass me that long pry bar"

Cut laces, and shove in pry bar to try to pop up toe cap, with one leg on back of 90, and pry bar wedged in I had a go at "popping" up toe cap...."Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh Noooooooooooooooooooeek "

and slipped, landing on steering bar (still bent) and banging other ankle on Anvil, you know, the ickle "Fleshy Bony" bit near the ankle bone...deep joy, just what i needed...

Mate is now on the floor, tears and can hardly breathe, see, or speak,

I decided to continue from the relative comfort of the floor,

2x screwdrivers and pry bar later managed to remove my boot, sock was 'well red', and tried to remove sock......

[stop eating mode on ] nail has fractured and bits jammed into sock wool, friend now quiet.... and white and I removed sock [still stop eating mode on]

both peer at big toe....

Ooooooooo does it sting much......?


Sat on floor, toe in air with bag of peas on it,

had 3x beers, and hobbled to bed.........

This morning saw one 'red' sock and pair of Workboots in bin, accompnaied by steering arm....

Ho hum

Deep joy

"This weekend I will be mainly hobbling about with a dreadful bruised big toe minus most of the nail"

[eating mode back on]

And not a cat in sight




  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

ahh thank god, I thought these were lost for ever. I must admit whenever I go to waxoil the fleet I always remember back to this story, shut the cat away, prepare acres of rag and tarps, vats of hot water, full boiler suit, gloves, hat and googles!!

Does anyone have the link to the yank chap that sealed more than the bed of his pickup :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites


A good read after a long night of fiddling with the laptop for call-out work :D

We Yanks need at least all the acronyms translated tho' - what the heck is a VVVVV? or a PTSL? :blink: I do recall being told you can oil a Land Rover boxed chassis. Nigel, I have sypathy for the toe - makes mine ache just reading the story! I'm a "if at first you don't succeed, get a bigger hammer" type myself, however, "if at first you dont' succeed, suck harder" is new to me :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Through the wonder of digital media I'm sat on the platform at Reading train station, it's bank holiday rush hour at the first station outside London and there's a major music festival going on, but I just looked up and there's a little oasis of empty space around the smart young man in a suit, tapping away on his phone and laughing so hard he's having trouble breathing and may shortly soil himself. I had to take 5 mins so I could see enough to type a reply. Nige, you've brightened up the end of a particularly sh!tty week. Again. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fantastic, don't think I've laughed so hard for ages, just what I needed after a week of induction training for the new job

thank you to the star (the picture of trying to clean a waxoyled kitty will stay with me for a long time)

Link to comment
Share on other sites




you me and (as they say in "Midsummer Murders") a Blunt heavy instrument have a need to Meet :P

Thanks mate ........................

Consider that I "Owe" you 'One' maybe even '4' :lol:..............

Sad thing is its all true :hysterical: ...........................................................GIT


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, can't see properly for the tears :P:hysterical:

Nige, you do great work organising stuff, building stuff etc.

But when you FU it's hilarious, we've all been there but you express it so well.

Keep them coming but please stay alive to telll the tale :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...

Important Information

We use cookies to ensure you get the best experience. By using our website you agree to our Cookie Policy