hattymender Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Just cleaned up the joint face on a V8 water pump. The old one came off with the gasket doing the usual 'half on the pump half on the engine' trick. The manual says 'clean gasket using plastic or wood but not a metal scraper'. Yea, right. Might work on something 15 years younger but after 20 years it'd transformed into some indestructible material and was well and truly attached, took a Stanley blade and a lot of care to shift. Got me thinking about other little jokes they put in the manual: Disconnect the battery before ..... (doing more or less anything?). Who does? Except when welding? Always support vehicle on axle stands before working underneath. Just use jack? Bricks? Release head (or block) by gentle tapping with rubber hammer or wood block, don't pry. Or smack in chisel when truly miffed? Daily checks? Are wheels still there? Table of torque figures? Cylinder heads yes, but all the others? Ever torque loaded a wheel nut when fixing a puncture? Change your brake fluid every 2 years? Replace all rubber seals every 5 years. Actually, I'd be chuffed if the drive flange seals lasted a year.The rest? Leave well alone, they'll remind you when the time comes Is it me? Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciderman Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Rich, I think the most popular one would be the" Disconnect the battery " We all change starters , alternators and the like without even looking near the battery , and even welding Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest diesel_jim Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Trouble is, car manufacturers have to put common sense stuff like that in the manuals for folk who don't have any.... common sense that is. it would only take some slimey no-win-no-fee solicitor to explain to said knuckle dragging mechanic "if you sue you could have a 52" plasma in your house to watch Jeremy Kyle on all day!", just sign here and we'll take (whichever car company) to court for not telling you exactly how to do the job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hattymender Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 It's noticeable how much manuals have changed. My other developing idiosyncrasy is a desire for a Morris Minor. Not got the car yet but doing the research, manuals written in 60's. Hardly a word about safety, but covers most things. Modern manuals have large section on safety but patronize you on the technical side with 'this is far too hard for you numpties so we've skipped it'. I must be getting old. There was a time when somebody did something daft you kept quiet or your mates laughed, these days you sue. Is it better? Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hattymender Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 PS. Please don't sue me if you do any of the above Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mo Murphy Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I alway disconnect the battery when changing the alternator after I made the dipstick tube glow bright red Mo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest diesel_jim Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I'm with you... if i do something and it hurts, then i learn and don't (usually) do it again. nuff said. wouldn't dream of trying to screw some company for litigation, unless they really deserved it, or were orange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hattymender Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 I alway disconnect the battery when changing the alternator after I made the dipstick tube glow bright red Mo I can also confirm that the rear manifold bolts are exactly one spanner length from the positive post on the starter motor. They say a shock once in a while is good for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbarton Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Like that BBC Watchdog crusade on the Renault Clio bonnet latches. Renault blamed users for not lubricating the bonnet catch. The BBC had a guy from the Institute of Advanced Motorists on to say that lubricating the bonnet catch was not part of routine servicing. A quick check on all my workshop manuals stated "lubricate the bonnet latch" - so perhaps these instructions are put there for a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FridgeFreezer Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 TBH they were a carp design those bonnet catches, given that most cars built in the last 30 years have managed not to have the bonnets fly up and hit the windscreen as a matter of course looked like a case of accountancy engineering. Back on track, if you can find the old Haynes manual for a Range Rover, compare it to a new one for the same vehicle - it's TWICE the thickness yet covers fewer models My favourite Haynes lie are "tap" "drift" "pull" "gently pry" "remove" "loosen", all of which are replaced by the simple trio of heaving, hitting, and swearing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Train Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Yeah, the manuals may tell you all that stuff but it is what they don't tell you that matters, like how to carry out a repair on some part that has failed or broken or is on your own vehicle but not on the one they used as an example. I have found that there is more in how to identify the engine or gear box number then there is on how to get inside the thing to fix it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill van snorkle Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Not really a joke but a serious mistake was a diagram showing splitting the hub seal ring on an early Rangerover stub axle ! Unlike Series LandRovers that had removeable seal rings, RangeRover seal rings were an integral part of the stub axle, and new stub axles at that time were around AUS$500 each. Ouch!!! IIRC this was a genuine factory manual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roverdrive Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Yeah, the manuals may tell you all that stuff but it is what they don't tell you that matters, like how to carry out a repair on some part that has failed or broken or is on your own vehicle but not on the one they used as an example. I have found that there is more in how to identify the engine or gear box number then there is on how to get inside the thing to fix it. Found this some time ago, so apologies if it is a repost Haynes Manuals - Translation Guide: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!? Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RRX Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Haynes Jag manuals have a simple section on rear wheel bearings - take to local jaguar dealership Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missingsid Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Not quite on topic but close. I went to buy some kids clothes for my mates er kid. Anyway Haynes have a boys shirt with XXXX's Land Rover written on it, trouble is the picture appears to be of a LAND CRUISER Maybe thats why the Land Rover manuals are carp then? Marc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hattymender Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 Just noticed in Defender WSM. Removing LT77 Gear Box. Steps 1 through 21 you've stripped the tunnel, props are off, handbrake dissconnected, etc. Then comes the killer: Step 22; "Manufacture a cradle to the dimensions given in the drawing...." Eh? You've just stripped half the truck and then have to leave it hanging for a day to make a cradle? The world's gone mad I tell you........................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSD Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 It's worth reading the common sense bits though, for the occasional pearls of wisdom... Defender WSM says "Avoid contaminating clothes, particularly underpants, with oil" Just can't help thinking there must be a Lode Lane 'story' behind that particular caveat... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gruntus Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 They all made me laugh, however.... ALWAYS use axle stands. have you ever worked under a vehicle and the hydraulic jack creep? You only do it once, if its a Citroen with Hydrospastic suspension you may not get a second chance!! Didn't mean to ruin the party Cheers G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LR90 Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 This is the one that usually gets me Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Which would be fine but having loosened the screws and removed the cover or whatever it can often be very hard to determine ( as you are showered in an unanticipated but significantly large random assortment of oily parts, springs, shims,... ) even the number of components involved let alone the specific sequence in which they fell out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geoffbeaumont Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 They all made me laugh, however....ALWAYS use axle stands. have you ever worked under a vehicle and the hydraulic jack creep? You only do it once, if its a Citroen with Hydrospastic suspension you may not get a second chance!! Having once, due to a cretinous bit of stupidity, managed to drop a small car off a jack (I was next to it, not under it, fortunately), I'd hate to be anywhere near a two ton truck that did the same! I would never go anywhere near the underside of any vehicle that wasn't properly supported... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThreeSheds Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 It's worth reading the common sense bits though, for the occasional pearls of wisdom...Defender WSM says "Avoid contaminating clothes, particularly underpants, with oil" Just can't help thinking there must be a Lode Lane 'story' behind that particular caveat... When I worked at Raleigh Cycles in the seventies, there were posters in the toilets warning of skin problems brought on by oil. On the (A4) poster there was a photo of the most painfully swollen, blistered and weeping tackle you have ever seen, and underneath was the phrase "NOW - will you wash you hands?" In the small print was a list of nasties cause by getting oil on your bits and an instruction to wash your hands BEFORE and after going to the loo. Sorry for the O/T diversion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimAttrill Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 From the TD5 engine manual: "remove 8 spark plugs" and "refit 8 spark plugs" obviously three of the cylinders have two, but they don't specify. Now you know what that spark plug spanner in the toolkit is for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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