My Health

[Gazzar]

As someone who fights the black dogs on a regular basis, I wish you the best of luck. If you want to talk, and I know that talking can sometimes not be much help, PM me and I'll call you.

I can be near Henley on occasion, if you want to meet for coffee and a slagging of land rover engineers we can set something up.

And it is an act of incredible bravery to admit you are suffering. Well done.

Gary.

[BigP]

Hi Jason. A timely update as sometimes these threads never mind the people get lost. So good to hear that you're continuing on your journey and that you have upcoming nuptials to prepare for.

All the best for your future together.

[JeffR]

I posted this on Facebook on Tuesday and it seemed to help some people so I thought that I would also share it here.

This time two years ago I was approaching what would be fair to say was the lowest point in my life. Events were unfolding that would see me hospitalised and finally getting the help that I needed to turn my life around.

However as I sit here this morning, I find I have a renewed vigor for life. I am getting married to the most wonderful woman I could have ever hoped to meet, yet alone who would fall in love with me. I have made a lot of positive changes in my life, and I now understand what it is to truly live and not just exist. I have made new friends and appreciate the others that have been with me along this journey.

So two years on life is very good, I took redundancy in November which after 12 years service was an offer too good to refuse. This has allowed me time to think about the future without any worry about financial pressures a break that has been most welcome and refreshing.

I have also been looking for work and have so far turned down three jobs as they were not quite where I wanted to go/continue in life, a privileged position to be in and not one that is lost on me.

Whilst I continue to look for the 'right job' I have been able to keep myself busy with projects, including the recycling of pallets and construction of many items using the skills I have acquired during the years, and been able to pass some of this onto Jacob.

In short I have been able to have fun, both with life and with Kathryn, travel and enjoy this time before we get married.

Life has not all been a bed of roses and my personal battle with depression is ongoing, being able to sleep for more than 2-3 hours a night would also be nice. But as I sit here and look back life is certainly a lot better than this time two years ago.For this I would like to thank all of my friends and family who have helped me along my journey and continue to support me today, I couldn't have done it without you.

Secondly for anyone who is reading this and is also suffering from depression or anxiety, things can and do get better, sometimes it just takes time. But whatever you do don't keep it to yourself, that will only end in a bad way, get help, there is plenty out there despite what the news says. Admitting you need help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength, a sign that you are prepared to put in the hard work to improve your life.

Jason.

So true mate, so true, especially the last paragraph.

[studmuffin]

Jason, there are loads of nice people on this forum to think about, but at odd times you pop into my head and I wonder how you are doing.

Its great that your life is moving forward.

Stay positive and enjoy the moment. Well done mate.

Cheers

Barry

[Guest]

I have just come across this post whilst looking for something else and thought I owed it an update, as per before I don’t post these updates for sympathy but in the hope that someone reading this will associate with it and get the help they need sooner rather than later.

Again thanks for all the kind words of support and the PM’s it is funny how you believe that you kind of know people on here even though you have never met, leading me to be convinced I had met someone the other week when I had never.

Well life has been tough over the past few months, I got married and the wedding day was fantastic exactly what we both wanted. However I found that although I liked the day I didn’t really enjoy it. Nothing to do with my new wife, she is amongst one the greatest things to happen to me, but more to do with my current mood.

I was starting to feel down again before the wedding but we all put this down to the ‘stress’ of the event, however after things had calmed down and everyone had gone home it became apparent that it was more than just stress. I think I did my old trick of hiding my feelings as not to upset anyone, after all what did I have to be depressed about!

The thing is depression has very little to do with ‘happy events’ happening in your life or the love you receive from the people around you, depression just sits there over your head like a cartoon cloud and no matter how fast you move or what happens it just follows you. And I think that is the important factor, I am depressed, not sad, but depressed. I do laugh at jokes or shows but at the same time have little or no enjoyment of things or indeed my life which in its self is a self perpetuating anchor dragging you further down and is often joined by it's friend Anxiety.

Unfortunately as I write this I find myself again sitting on the edge of my black hole staring into the oblivion, my sleep has deteriorated to none and with that comes a confusion and fog that further serves to cloud my thoughts. Despite the best efforts of the team around me I have in fact stepped far too close to the edge than anyone is comfortable with.

We are again on the journey of discovery that is medication in mental health with no magic pill, it becomes a matter of trial and error to find a new drug combination that works for me. Whilst this happens I sit in a limbo unable to move forward and hoping that I can remain strong enough not to move back.

Despite all of this I do still cling on with my fingertips to hope that the future will work out well for me and that my new life and family will afford me some pleasure eventually. This nugget of information has become my focal point when things seem to be the darkest, and despite all that I have going for me here and now is the one thing that keeps me here.

I know that the above probably sounds a little like the ramblings of a mad man (after all I do have a Mental illness and own 2 Land Rovers) but it is the closest I can come to describing how it feels to be depressed and not just down or sad, and in that hope that others will spot these signs in themselves and seek help before the snowball becomes and avalanche.

As I have said many times before getting help is one of the hardest things to do, but once you take that step it will be the start of a journey into understanding things and with understanding and knowledge comes the opportunity to start to fix things, a bit like a Land Rover really. I don't know how long my journey will take and despite my recent setbacks my medical team still seem confident that I will not have depression for the rest of my life.

I have come a long way but know I still have a long way to go. For some people the journey is a short one for others not so but I think the key to survival is to hold onto that nugget of hope with whatever you can, don't loose sight of it no matter how stormy the cloud becomes because where there is hope there is a way forward.

Jason.

[nickwilliams]

Thanks for the post, Jason.

Just be aware that there are a lot of people out here who care what happens to you.

Nick.

[Bowie69]

Yep, same Jason, thanks, I know if I was closer I'd drop in for sure.

[Snagger]

Sorry to hear about a downturn in your state, but at least you know there are friends, family and medical staff who genuinely want to help you. That must be at least something that gives you something to hold on to.

[Cyberprog]

Sorry to hear that Jason - Keep the black dog at bay mate!

[honitonhobbit]

Hey Jason - keep talking.

I was signed off by my Psychologist on Wednesday this week after 9 months of treatment for Anxiety and Depression. It was a scary moment. I know how you feel. But I know you can beat it if you talk to the people that love you. Don't bottle it up old lad - tell the world. I'll PM you my number - if you need to ring, then do so

[simonr]

A Land Rover is a pretty good analogy!

Si

[greenstream]

Thanks for sharing Jason.

The way you are describing your situation gives us some kind of Idea of what you are going thru. I know that we will never fully understand it untill we have been there for ourselves.

Haveing been The subject to fatal illnes years ago I know the value of talking or writing about your illnes. Måtter of fact 11 years Down The line I keep talking to New Friends about my illnes and it Works. And your friends will learn some to !

Best of luck and keep talking !

[tuko]

Look for positives in everything you do Jason, you have friends near and far.

Todd.

[Giles]

Jason,

Keep the faith; your wife, medics, family, friends, colleagues (and all of us) are totally with you, willing you to move (at your pace) into a lighter, brighter place.

Take care

[Troll Hunter]

Your honesty and openness are a beacon to others. We have twin grandsons, 22 yr old, and one has been diagnosed as schizophrenic and the other suffers from psychosis and anxiety attacks. Last summer I had them both read your thread, starting in May 2013, and at the end they both admitted that they no longer felt that they were alone, that it had never happened to anyone else. Thank you. Now, the schizophrenic one is out of hospital and is learning to function on his own, as a young adult, and the other one is taking "chill pills", and is also able to get on with his life.

It is overcoming the perceived stigma of an "embarrassing" illness that is the first, and highest, step to be climbed, and your forthright and open account of your "black dogs" has been a huge help to both of them. Thank you, again, and we wish you every success in your ongoing struggle.

Mike

[Team Idris]

Swapping notes certainly helps. I don't know how it works, but it's maybe like a better understanding?

I had a bad turn in April where I got to Easter and just switched off. Then I started writing short stories and as I went about that I came accross a lot of folk who were having the same issues. I've been better than I have for a fair while, which isn't what I expected at all. So I've been going a bit further and that's been well recieved just like this thread has.

[Guest]

Cheers once again guys for your posts and PM's.

I have and am receiving such good support from my team that it leaves me wanting to give something back.

Unsure how to do this I have found that the best way is to be honest and open about my journey.

Strangely writing about my journey as team idris says is actually very cathartic. It also genuinely seems to help people which in turn also helps me.

I don't think that I am brave in begin open for the above reasons, the lift I get from knowing that my words help others is worth a box of happy pills.

At first I was not sure of the reaction that this thread would receive or even if the mods would take it down.

But the support I have received and also the PM's from others telling me that they also struggle or have a friend that is struggling and wanting to know how to help makes any personal embarrassment seem insignificant and pushes me forward.

Like troll hunter said most people think that they are the only one suffering, being public about my health shows them that they are not alone and in turn shows me I'm also not the only one going through this.

Jason

[Hybrid_From_Hell]

Mods take it down ?

Nope

Long term member sharing what many others have had or sadly may have in the future.

Hacks me off that you can have a broken arm in a cast = loads of support....vs PTSD = pull yourself together mate.

No problem here

Keep positive and keep motivated by those who love you and everyone who supports you

Never give up

Nige

[simonr]

Hacks me off that you can have a broken arm in a cast = loads of support....

Or, if it happens to be your arm - loads of mickey taking as there is going to be some improbable but funny story to go with it

I completely agree though. Jason is one of the family!

Si

[missingsid]

Hi Jason, I was glad to see you posting again on other topics and I'm sorry to hear about your return to the edge but glad to see the support continuing.

I don't know if this is helpful or even relevant, but I had times when I could not see any way forward and upwards. What I did realise though was that when I was in that horrible place it was much worse when I was there during the night. I would be completely desolate and had no way out but when I finaly got to the morning I could see a path that was not visible before. Then I got introduced to the concept of biorhythms (at first I thought hey were hippy ideas but I saw them through medical journals) and I realised that my periods of nightime problems aligned with the lowest troughs in the biorhythm cycle (I think around midnight to 3.00 am but can't rember). I don't know if this true or accurate but next time I got in to a low during that time I started to train myself to refuse to think about the problem that started it until the next day. Sometimes that meant staying up to watch a film just to divert my thoughts I understand that is easier if what I had was not clinical depression but it stopped me from spiraling down and showed me how my brain was making it more difficult for me and working against me.

I wish you all the best Jason and often think of that weekend working on the 110.

Marc

[BogMonster]

Mods take it down ?

Nope

Long term member sharing what many others have had or sadly may have in the future.

Hacks me off that you can have a broken arm in a cast = loads of support....vs PTSD = pull yourself together mate.

No problem here

Keep positive and keep motivated by those who love you and everyone who supports you

Never give up

Nige

Absolutely agree 100%.

[Happyoldgit]

Absolutely agree 100%.

Me too

[Dan110]

I have to say it's genuinely heartwarming to see a bunch of guys discussing a topic like this and being so open and honest. There's entirely too much suffering in the dark that goes on for such a common problem.

[Guest]

Ok so I think an update is in order as I realised a few weeks ago that it has been three years since my admission into the mental health system, this update is a long one but again I hope that people out there find it helpful.

Mood:

As per the previous post life had been getting tough again since early August but in my own brutal stupidity I refused to accept that I was slipping back into what would become my second biggest battle with the black dog thus far.

Whilst I won’t bore you with the details it is true to say that twice I got closer to the edge of the pit of despair that any of my team felt comfy with. Readmission to the secure hospital was on the cards but my friends rallied round and kept an eye on me whilst we worked through things so luckily it was avoided.

Over the past three years it has become clear that my severe insomnia is directly linked to my mood and trying to get some sleep became a priority. My team tried nearly every drug available to ‘assist me’ into sleep at doses that should have had a pachyderm snoring. Alas to no avail and I think my record this time was nine days without any sleep not even a nap, which clearly is no good to anyone and really does not help with lifting my depression.

Whilst my GP was dishing out the ‘non’ sleeping meds my psychiatrist was trying a different approach and we began to try and find a medication that would augment my antidepressants. After a few failed attempts we came across a drug that was being used in the US but not licensed for mental health in the UK although it was licensed as a drug to help with smoking cessation. Not for the first time I had a stroke of luck as the clinical trials for its licensing were just starting and in Oxford.

All the reading suggested that the process would be a slow one and we would have to allow time for the drug to build up in my body. I have to say that I was quite pleased with the results as I didn't smoke a single cigarette after taking the new medication. However if truth be told I have never smoked so I guess it didn't really alter anything.

Lots of blood tests were taken and the dose slowly increased, over a period of about a month until we all started to notice that my mood was starting to lift, this was also in line with the results experienced in the US. Clearly the best thing was that it appeared to be working however the second best thing was that I was being paid by the pharmaceutical company for being in the trial and all of the tests.

I began to sleep again and have now reached a point where I get at least two hours a night and often four, I know that this does not sound a lot but believe me it feels like heaven to me. Despite some little blips my mood is improving slowly and I am functioning again.

Work:

From previous reading some may remember I started a social enterprise recycling pallets into mainly garden products. However a combination of red tape a very disruptive employee and my worsening mood meant that we had to pull the plug on that venture at least for now.

It also became apparent that returning to the ‘high stress corporate life’ of a business consultant was not going to be possible at least in the near future. So it was back to the drawing board, I am not someone who can just sit around and everyone agreed that finding something to do would really help improve my mood.

I had spent the winter month’s game shooting with a friend of mine, and we had travelled all over the country to various shoots as well as having a gun in a local shoot.

Now just a quick interjection I know shooting and a sometimes suicidal depressive don’t seem to make great bed fellows but for me it worked. I love being out within nature, it gave me a purpose and a focus and safeguards were put in place to ensure that I remained safe, I don’t currently hold a licence or have any ammunition at my house and my gun is safely stored and registered with Geoff. (my friend and shooting/business partner).

Anyway it started me on a new road where I began to make things with the spent cartridges and hey presto a new business was formed. Geoff then suggested that I move into his workshop as it would get me out the house during the day.

So there it was I moved into what is an old prison hut (WW2 Italian PoW Camp) the workshop/hut is about 40ft x 200ft so there was plenty of room even for all my Carefully Assembled Reusable Projects or (C.R.A.P) as my wife likes to put it.

Geoff is a stick maker in his 60's, and has forgotten more than I think I will ever know so the opportunity to learn new skills and improve old ones has also been a blessing. I have continued with some success to recycle the spent cartridges and also continued with my woodwork. I have also learnt that there are several advantages of having a workshop in a sawmill/timber yard:

1. Off cuts of oak and other (seasoned and green) hard and soft woods can be gathered for the price of a cup of tea.
2. You have access to some really big, dangerous and useful tools which really make life easier.
3. Putting your projects into one of the huge vacuum/pressure chambers to be tanalised really saves you time painting/staining outdoor projects.

Geoff and I sell our wares through local pubs and country stores as well as the county fair circuit things are going well and I may even turn a small profit this year well at least enough to pay for next seasons shooting.

The Team:

I was really lucky to meet my now wife (Kathryn) and even more lucky that she has supported me on this journey, it has not been easy for her especially when things are going downhill but despite all of this she continues to stand by me, and supports me both financially and physically in my new ventures.

As before I am also really lucky to have a great NHS team around me my Community Mental Health Nurse (CPN) Tim has been with me from the start and has been a fantastic support to both myself and Kathryn.

My GP Michelle has also been tremendous and really works with the others to ensure that all aspects of my health and well-being are looked after.

My psychiatrist Simon is not afraid to rattle a few cages to get me the appropriate treatment and support, it is truly a case of the NHS working in the way it was devised to operate despite the current pressures.

As with this post, my aim was always to share my journey in order that it may help others along the way I guess a way of giving back for all the tremendous support that I have received. So as such I have become a lay member of the Oxfordshire NHS patient advisory board, and also am about to hopefully be elected as a lay member onto the board of Oxfordshire Mental Health Services and the board of Oxfordshire NHS trust.

I get to attend lots of meetings with the senior leaders that are currently shaping the future of the service, as well as take part in staff training sessions, help run service user groups, act as a patient advocate and several other things including being on the interview panel for new staff. Whilst I do get paid for these roles money is certainly not my motivation.

So I guess I am really trying to turn a bad situation into a better one, the roller-coaster I have called life for the past few years is back on the tracks and beginning to run smoothly and I am still here.

Jason.

[De Ranged]

I have never suffered from this, I'm the classic limited feeling male lol just thought this may help reinforce the good in your life

Reading your story and a letter from an old friend where she stated what she was going through with her struggles... gave me enough of an idea of what a mate of mine who feel into the "pit" was going through several yrs after loosing an arm and when he came to me I was able to help him and support him.... instead of offering him a beer and telling him to get over it

Oh and just for the books, it took a few visits from him before I realized there was a problem that couldn't be fixed with a beer and a laugh.... sometimes we are... yea lol

Think I need a beer

Thank you